Nicholas' Touch

Miss you like crazy

2012-01-31T13:42:00.004-05:00

Hey Buddy,

Feeling particularly run down today. Heavy thoughts. Aching heart. Wondering why... and wondering if this journey of missing you ever gets any easier. Of course, I know it does. It has. But today hurts. For no reason in particular except for being your mommy. I'm feeling tired... like this burden has taken a real, big toll on my body and soul.

This too, shall pass.

I will blow out your candle tonight, whisper goodnight as I trace the outline of your perfect, little face.... and I will be reminded of your beauty... of your fight... of your innocence.

I will devour a million and one kisses from your sassy, baby sister and my heart will smile.

I will look proudly at your oldest brother as I realize what a strong and responsible young man he is becoming.

I will squeeze your middle brother's hand and sing "You Are My Sunshine" as he gently falls asleep...

I will stay a little longer in your daddy's hug tonight as we remember your awesomeness together.

Each of these things will re-engergize my strength. Each of these things will begin to mend my tired heart....

But, just for right now, I am missing you like crazy.

All my love,
Mommy

Remembering

2012-01-26T13:21:00.001-05:00

Remembering my graceful, beautiful and lovely, Gramma Moo today and always.

Choosing Somewhere

2012-01-11T13:53:00.002-05:00

As I said before, I have been thinking about entering a local writing competition. The following is what I have come up with and wanted your opinions! It is from a post back in April 2009 - 5 months after losing Nicholas. I have rearranged it slightly... added and tweaked.

What do you think?

Choosing Somewhere

There have been many things in my life that I have been fearful of. When I was young and in grade school, I was extremely self-conscious. I would physically get sick if I was requested to answer a question in front of the entire class. I would convince myself that I was going to mess up, or worse, get the answer entirely wrong. As I matured and experienced more and more impressionable life lessons I became more confident. I came a long, long way from being the insecure, afraid little girl I was. And then my son died.

Back then, challenging my fear was not something I wanted to do, but if I wanted to do well in school, I had to conquer that fear. At the time I didn't realize the subtle things I was learning by pushing myself and expanding my comfort zone. I didn't know that my confidence would grow, propelling me to take risks in other areas of my life. The lesson I learned was that in order to get “somewhere you had to leave nowhere behind”.

After Nicholas died I found myself living in 'nowhere' land. That was fine with me. My comfort zone had been shattered, my world had stopped. We were forced to take this unwanted journey through grief. Initially, the pain could be so intense and so powerful it threatened to dissolve the soul.
Nowhere land was just fine for a while. I wanted to stay there for a long time. Nowhere became very comfortable...and somewhere was not a place I wanted to go.

There are still days I find myself not wanting to go somewhere… still days when the heaviness in my heart outweighs the joys. The comfort of nowhere is enticing at times. It’s familiar. It’s safe. But it’s not where I want to be. Somewhere along the way I made the decision to challenge myself – confidently answering a question in front of the class – so to speak. I chose to go somewhere and it’s taken me to places I never could have imagined.

Early in our journey I remember thinking that anywhere is better than nowhere. I was so tired of feeling sad and helpless all of the time. It was after recognizing that anywhere is better than nowhere that I felt some healing begin. There were many days when I was terrified of where somewhere would take me. The unknown is distressing. The waiting, close to unbearable.

Grief is dreadful stuff. Grief has pounded me, tortured me, exhausted me and collapsed my very soul. It never ceases to amaze me the strength and tenacity of the Human Spirit. After experiencing the unimaginable I somehow manage to keep breathing, somehow I manage to exist, somehow I have managed to grow from such devastation.

I was terrified that choosing to go ‘somewhere’ meant leaving Nicholas behind - now I know that is the furthest from the truth. He has travelled with me to 'somewhere'. He has allowed me to get there. He has helped me get back up when I’ve stumbled along the way. I chose to acknowledge my pain, confront it and slowly the pain lessened. The past three years have been intense, unpredictable and full of unimaginable grief, but they have also been filled with hope, inspiration and an incredible amount of healing. Nicholas has enriched our family with an energy and infinite love that is beyond comprehension.

There is an indomitable strength and spirit that now resides in my heart. A desire to comfort and support others that have been forced to travel this journey of forever grieving their babies; one where I have walked and wept. It is the intrinsic need to express my immeasurable love for my youngest son in a positive and tangible way. To keep his memory alive. To help his legacy soar. This desire is deep in my bones. It pumps through my soul and it bleeds through the work I create in honour of Nicholas. Offering my love and true understanding to others empowers me and has allowed me to reach an incredible strength within. A strength that can hopefully make a difference in someone else’s time of need.

Choosing to go “somewhere and to leave nowhere behind" is a constant struggle. Grief, hope, sadness, love… will always co-mingle in my heart. But I will continue to fight. I will continue to reach out to others. I will continue to honour my son with all that I am.

Angel Wing Requests - Can't Keep Up

2012-01-09T11:49:00.000-05:00

I have had to make a very difficult decision. Financially I am unable to keep up with Angel Wing requests. To date I have created and posted over 600 pairs of Angel Wings. As you can imagine, the materials and the postage add up quickly. It saddens me to realize that I am unable to continue to offer this incredible comfort to grieving parents as a gift.

I have been humbled by several generous donations in the past, however, they are minimal and I seem to exhaust the contributions on a wing by wing basis.

My thought is to continue to offer these special Angel Wings at a small cost.

As my loyal followers, I would love some feedback.

All my love,
Lea

Help!

2012-01-08T13:35:00.002-05:00

Hi Everyone!

I hope that everyone has enjoyed a peaceful and gentle holiday. We are back into the swing of things tomorrow.... as the kids get back to school and we get some routine back to our lives!

I am thinking about entering a local writing competition and need your help! The topic is "Life Lessons". I wonder if any of you have a favourite post of mine that you think I could share??

I can't believe how difficult it is to begin writing when you know it's for a competition... usually I can write and write, but I am having a serious case of writer's block (not to mention a lot of self criticism).

Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated!

Reality

2011-12-21T14:39:00.002-05:00

Franchesca just posted a beautiful, heartfelt post called Unseen . The words she layed on the screen engulfed me and I found myself lost in world beyond this one. She speaks candidly about her emotions from within. The one's that don't overflow anymore. The one's that are hidden. The one's that sting. The one's that are purposefully unseen.

Franchesca has put into words what resides in my heart... the never ending tug of war between here and there.

"In moments of pure happiness I miss the child that should be in that moment celebrating with us too.

It doesn’t steal the joy of the moment,

Be what goes unseen to the rest of the world, is seen by me."

We just celebrated our oldest son's birthday. We just celebrated our beautiful rainbows 2nd birthday. Today, we welcome a healthy and happy new baby boy into our extended family. Christmas is around the corner and the excitement in the children's eyes is of pure innocence. All of it with just one very important person missing.

So many blessings. So much heartache. So much joy. So much ache.

So much laughter. So many tears... tears that are left to be shed behind closed doors.... "unseen".

Thank you, Franchesca for such a moving post.

Love to you all,
Lea

Tree Lighting Memorial Service - Guest Speaker

2011-12-07T13:27:00.002-05:00

I was invited to be the guest speaker at a Tree Lighting Memorial Service this year.

Last evening I attended and spoke from my heart about the light and dark side of our loss. About the tragedy we have been forced to battle. About the healing along the way.

It was a bittersweet, warm and touching service. Full of hundreds of faces who bear the burden of grief. Full of love, understanding and unspoken wisdom. I was honoured to share our Nicholas. I was honoured to share the evening with my husband, our boys and Little Miss Sunshine. I was honoured to have my parents by my side. I was honoured to have such an amazing platform to reach out and hopefully help to comfort someone as they walk this road of loss.

Thank you, Buddy, for giving mommy the strength to speak at such an emotionally charged event. You are such an amazing little soul.... I couldn't do any of this without your presence.

After the ceremony, while we all watched in wonder and in anticipation as the grand tree was lit I was approached by many of the attendees. Many thanked me for my words, others just wanted to share an embrace. One man in particular offered a warm hug with only the words "we lost our son just 7 months ago... thank you for your courage"... sigh.... unbelievable.

The following is my speech, if your are interested:

Tree Lighting Service - 2011

Good Evening Everyone and welcome,

My name is Leanna and I am honoured to have been asked to speak with you tonight. My family and I attended the service last year and were touched and humbled by the experience. What a beautiful and meaningful way to remember our loved ones. At the end of the evening, when that tree is completely lit in honour and remembrance of our loved ones, it exudes peace and hope and reminds us of eternal love. I truly hope that each and every one of you feels some warmth and comfort tonight as we honour the one’s we have lost and remember their everlasting presence in our lives.

As the holidays approach, many times our grief is amplified. It thickens. It’s deep. It’s raw. The holidays, more than any other time of year, means family and friends together. They are synonymous and it is at this time of year when we are so acutely aware of the void in our lives. Whether our grief is fresh or we are remembering 25 years down the road the pain and the longing we feel, especially on special occasions, can sometimes be unbearable. We are desperate for just one more glimpse. We ache for one more touch. We imagine their faces at each family gathering. We feel them in our souls.

One of the things I have learned on our journey is that there is no right or wrong way to approach the holiday season. Some may wish to follow family traditions, while others may feel the desire to change. Be gentle on yourself. Spend time with the people that YOU enjoy. Include your loved one in conversations and celebrations and follow your heart. Do something for others. Donate in your loved one’s name. Take care of you. All of these things are sure to soothe the soul and comfort the pain, even if just for a moment.

Our journey through grief began just over 3 years ago when our youngest son, Nicholas passed away.

"I would rather have had one breath of his hair..
one kiss of his mouth..
one touch of his hand..
than an eternity without it.."

This has become one my all time favourite quotes. It gets me through the tough times. It helps me to stay focused on the blessings that life has given me. This quote is gently engraved into Nicholas‘ Memorial stone. It embodies our love and appreciation that his life and death have imparted on our lives.

This is our story…..

Three years ago my husband and I received the most devastating, unbearable and confusing news any parent can hear. Our third son, the baby we had planned. The baby we grew with, the baby we loved… was in a desperately grave condition. We were forced to face any parents worst torture ~ the unfathomable reality that our beloved child was unable to survive outside of the womb. The fact that our son’s ultimate fate was death – even before he drew his first breath.

My pregnancy was eventful. At almost 20 weeks I was rushed to the hospital and had emergency surgery to remove an 8 cm cyst that had twisted my ovary. Life-saving surgery for both myself and baby. Several doctor’s, nurses and technicians assured us that our baby boy was just fine. Safe, healthy and totally oblivious to the pain mommy was experiencing. I remember constantly thanking God for that. I gladly took every ounce of pain just knowing that our baby was thriving. As much as his strong kicks hurt my incisions, the tears I shed were those of gratitude. I remember every kick …. Every hiccup and I rejoiced in the fact that we had survived such a life threatening event.

I was released from the hospital and went home to rest. Quite a few weeks later, during a routine scan, my OB requested I be seen by a high risk doctor to rule out any possible problems with our baby’s ventricles in the brain. My OB was fairly certain everything was fine, but with everything we went through to get there, he wanted to be sure. I wasn’t worried. I hardly thought about it. Just an over cautious doctor, which I was grateful for.

In just a few short weeks our lives changed from anxiously expecting another beautiful, healthy son very shortly to living a nightmare in which we would never wake from.

The high risk doctor confirmed that our baby’s ventricles were indeed enlarged. Grossly enlarged…. She immediately sent us to Mt. Sinai hospital where we endured many questions, tests and long, agonizing waits.

I don’t remember much about that day, especially the latter half. I remember being escorted into an office. There were pictures of African animals everywhere…. A trip the owner of the office had taken, no doubt. Pictures of smiling children, happy families… seemingly taunting us. I remember my eyes being glazed over like they have never been before. I remember holding my husband’s hand so tightly.. for fear I would melt to the floor. We sat and we listened through the sobs to the doctors talking about our baby. Our perfect little boy. The baby who we were told was perfectly fine just a week ago. We listened as they told us that his sweet little brain had ceased to develop or it had recessed after my attack, my surgery. All that continued to run through my head was that I deprived my own child the very oxygen and blood necessary to grow…. I failed him. I failed my husband, I failed his brothers who were so desperately awaiting his arrival. I failed his grandparents…his Aunts, his Uncles….. I failed myself.

A week later, at 35 weeks pregnant, I was induced and our beautiful baby boy was born….. sound asleep. I will always remember that overwhelming feeling, just moments after I felt him leave my body, of hoping beyond hope for a cry… that somehow the doctor’s were wrong… that he fought through… I prayed for some kind of miracle as the primal screams of desperation escaped me.

We were able to spend so much precious, memorable time with our boy. We named him Nicholas Warren and he was perfect. He’s still as perfect as ever. He has such a strong presence in our lives. Nicholas is loved, remembered and honoured every single day in our home.

Fast forward to today. I wish I could say that this all makes sense now. That there is some greater purpose of forever walking this road of missing our baby boy. I’m not ready to say that. I’ll never be ready to say that. Today, none of what happened makes any sense to me. I will never accept that our baby had to die for a reason or that God has another plan for him. I don’t believe that. I certainly don’t embrace it. What I do know is that somewhere along my journey I made a promise to myself, my family and especially to Nicholas. I promised that the anguish that resides in my heart over losing him will not define me, but rather, the gratitude and distinct honour of being chosen to be his mommy will soar above all else.

The message I would like to convey tonight is that after surviving the unimaginable, there is hope. There are lighter and brighter days down the road. No matter how far along we are in this journey we must remember to be gentle on ourselves. Be patient. Be kind. Remember. Love and be loved. The sadness, the desperation, the anger… these feelings are all a part of the process. Let yourself go to those dark places, but please, remember the light too. As difficult as it is to accept that time marches on while our world has seemingly come to a crashing halt…. time is our ally. Time softens the pain. Time allows us to remember the good and not always the bad.

I know that I will always physically ache for Nicholas. For his body in my body, his soul in my soul. A mother’s love is endless.

No one else will ever know the strength of my love for you, buddy. After all, you're the only one who knows what my heart sounds like from the inside. ...

As much as I long to have Nicholas here, playing among his older brothers and protecting his baby sister, I feel like the“ache” has transformed. I have learned to allow joy and grief cohabitate in my heart. It never ceases to amaze me how such definitive opposites can co-mingle so gracefully.

A very old friend once said to me; “I am not a religious person, however I have always believed in Guardian Angels. How bittersweet that you got to meet yours”… what a truly beautiful perspective. It’s an image that speaks to my heart.

I don’t remember ever believing in Angels.. or signs.. or the belief that spirits live among us. I never had a reason to. Not until the unthinkable happened and I was desperate to hold on to something that reminded me of my baby. For months after our loss I was paralyzed. Paralyzed by grief. Paralyzed by fear. Paralyzed by guilt. It took everything in me to go down the road for a bag of milk or walk up the road to collect the mail. I found even the simplest of tasks gruelling and impossible to bare. I was angry. How could the world continue to spin when mine had seemingly come to a screeching halt? Nothing seemed fair and everything was a reminder of the horrific pain I was in. I found myself praying for a sign. A sign that Nicholas wasn’t too far away. Validation and reassurance that our baby boy was close by, watching over us..

In the early days I found “signs” and comfort in our living children. Our two older boys allowed me to hold on. Their presence and their unconditional love forced me to put one foot in front of the other.. get out of bed… stay focused on the everyday things that made our family go around. The best “signs” and the most spiritual feelings are when our boys ask about their brother… out of nowhere… just because…or when they come home from school with a family tree with Nicholas playing above the clouds…that takes my breath away. Or when our daughter (who was born after Nicholas) blows kisses to the sky and softly says “Nick”…

For an entire year I grasped at a hundred and one different little things that I could attribute to being a sign from our Angel. However, on Nicholas' First Angel Day there was a particular constant that has become Nicholas’ trademark and our saving comfort.

On the Friday night before Nicholas’ first Angel Day, my husband, the boys and I headed up North to our "Heaven on Earth". We unpacked, warmed up the cottage, had some dinner, got the kids off to bed and tried to relax in anticipation for what the next day was going to bring. I went to the washroom to wash my face for bed and there on the faucet was a ladybug. Beautiful and red and perfect. I called for my husband to have a look, as finding a ladybug, in the cottage, in the middle on November, in Canada, is extremely unusual. It has always been said that ladybugs are a form of good luck. I took this tiny sign as an omen.... we were going to have a peaceful, sunny day for Nicholas' first birthday.

The next day I packed a backpack of water bottles, snacks, mitts and hats to take to the race that our friends were participating in, in honour of Nicholas. Once we arrived, I pulled out my water bottle and found a perfect, sweet ladybug clinging to the side of it. He/she stayed either on the water bottle or on my finger for most of the afternoon. My immediate thought was - now EVERYONE is here, celebrating and remembering...

The next morning my husband and I walked down to Nicholas' stones (as we always do before we leave) and there, on his stones were two ladybugs sunning themselves in the cool morning glow.

I was shocked, moved and delighted all at the same time.

Coincidence? I would like to think that our boy was sending us some kind of message.

A message of love. A message of comfort. A 'sign' to let us know that he is always with us.

Ever since, of course, ladybugs have been a strong source of peace for us. There have been many occasions when one has gently landed on my shoulder at just the right time… or one has joined our children as they play in the yard. Each visit is precious and each sighting gives me a little more strength to carry on. In fact, just recently, as we celebrated Nicholas’ 3rd Angel Day, a ladybug magically appeared in our family room. He hung out for 5 days and provided some much needed solace for our family during an extremely emotional few days. After such experiences I find myself mesmerized by the power of love and gentle healing… It is my hope that you all find comfort and strength in the “signs” that surround you each and every day.

A couple of months into our loss I was desperate for some kind of connection… something beyond the comfort of signs. I longed to bond with others facing a similar loss. I ached to fill the loneliness I felt in my soul...to fill the void that felt so permanent. It was then when I found such a huge and fantastic support system on-line. I began blogging and became involved in one of the most powerful, tight knit communities… A community full of understanding, sympathy, empathy and compassion. At Nicholas’ Touch I document my most intimate, raw and candid thoughts, images and emotions. I can honestly say that writing, reaching out to others in similar situations has been amazingly cathartic for me. I am constantly amazed and humbled by the connections I have made with women who live sometimes an ocean away. I feel like I have given Nicholas somewhere tangible to be honoured. A special place for only him and I. A place where I can pour out my love for my son and maybe help others along the way. A place where our other son’s and daughter can visit one day and learn more about their brother. I feel honoured to have that opportunity. On my worst days, it gives me focus, strength and a spirit to keep on fighting.

Through Nicholas’ Touch as well as through other avenues I have been fortunate enough to meet and support some extraordinary parents who are suffering the loss of their babies. Each story, each experience has inspired me to do more…. to reach out… to offer soft understanding and support to those who have been forced to walk such a horrendous path.

I began creating tiny, simple Angel Wings and sending them out to women who touched my heart. A small bit of comfort from my Angel to their Angel s and it has blossomed into something beautiful and beyond any expectation. These Angel Wings have flown all over the world, to Australia, England, Spain, the States… I find tremendous comfort in knowing that Nicholas’ legacy lives on… that the power of his little life has had the power to touch so many others.

Each request for wings is heartbreaking. Each story unique. Each life lost, precious. I am often asked how I managed to find the light on this dark road… and I hesitate each and every time. I can’t say that my personal journey has always been graceful or kind. And I can most definitely say that it hasn’t been easy. Some days are just plain hard, cruel and messy, but others are full of hope, joy and an abundance of love. I suppose it will always be that way. One feeling trying to overpower the other. Two completely different sets of emotions delicately balancing in my heart.

Each year as we celebrate Nicholas’ Birth and Angel Day in November we try to make it special. This year was no different…we decided to organize a walk/run/stroll through Fairy Lake park and it was magical. The show of love and support from our family and friends was unbelievably humbling. We walked, we remembered, we laughed and we cried, but, most of all, we honoured, Nicholas.

Each year we also invite family and friends to support various initiatives in support of Neonatal Units close to our heart. This year we had a very special vision to celebrate and honour Nicholas. Our family, along with some very generous friends and family, have created some special Hospital Memory/Comfort Boxes for the labour and delivery ward at Southlake Regional Health Center. It is my understanding and my experience that not too much exists in terms of tangible care and support when you are forced to leave the hospital with empty arms.

It is our hope to provide items in these packages to newly bereaved parents that may help in memorializing their babies. When parents are forced to face the unimaginable; saying goodbye to their children, tangible things such as pictures and hand/footprints aren’t often thought about until it’s too late. Our goal is to offer comforting options... options that are not typically thought of in the fresh stages of grief.

I was told the other day that one of the first boxes had to be gifted…. What an intrinsically bittersweet moment that was. I only hope that the family knows how genuinely and incredibly sorry I am that they now find themselves on this journey… one where I have walked and wept. I desire that knowing others have walked through this anguish gives them hope… that they know that they are not alone in what often feels like a very lonely journey. I hope that they can feel my arms around them as I weep with them.

Maya Angelou once said:

"When great souls die, our reality, bound to them, takes leave of us. Our minds formed and informed by their radiance, fall away.....And when great souls die, after a period, peace blooms, slowly and always irregularly. Our senses, restored, never to be the same, whisper to us. They existed.... We can be. Be and be better. For they existed”.

This quote provides such a strong sense of inspiration in me. Our lives are forever changed. We forever have grief in our hearts, loss in our souls. We forever struggle with the fact that what we have experienced is permanent. There is no changing it. There is no getting our loved one’s back.

I think that this has been one of the most intense emotions and difficult acceptances along our journey. The permanency of it all. Accepting the fact that our lives have been forever altered. That we have been forced down a path we never once thought we would have to walk. That we will never again see our precious babies again in this life. That we will carry our grief with us forever.
However, I must also remember that we have gone from deep, deep despair and sadness to feeling a sense of strength for enduring such heartache. We have gone from utter hopelessness to hopefulness in bringing a new baby home to our family. We have gone from missing our baby boy so intensely in the ravages of new grief to remembering him, talking about him and including him in our family every chance we get.

The past three years have been intense, unpredictable and full of unimaginable grief, but they have also been filled with hope, inspiration and an incredible amount of healing. Although it is painful to not have Nicholas here with us, his spirit and his legacy have infused our family with indomitable strength and immeasurable love over the past 3 years. We remember him often, we honour him daily, we love him unconditionally. He is forever a part of our hearts and our souls.

I believe that our loved ones are never too far away. They are in the whispers of the wind, the first spring bloom of the season… the fluffy, white snowflakes that melt on our nose…they are in the crimson sunsets and marshmallow clouds…they are flying on butterfly wings and they are in the ladybug that lands and decides to stay for a while. They are here with us tonight… holding our hearts tight and offering sweet comfort as we remember and pay tribute…. They are in the light of our candles as we place our flame on the tree… they are in the tears that fall and they are in the embraces we receive. Where ever you choose to “see” your Angel is the perfect spot… embrace those moments… there are always more to come.
Love and strength to you all. Peaceful healing…

Blossom

2011-11-28T13:47:00.001-05:00

Remembering our Blossom... a year ago today/tomorrow.

Blossom

Tough November

2011-11-23T10:02:00.004-05:00

This week has been tough. No, let's be honest, this entire month has been full of ups and downs. I suppose November will always be a month of emotional craziness... Nicholas' Angel Day was so positive.. so full of love and remembrance. We honoured our little guy the best way we could from afar and this year, instead of sadness and longing taking over, my heart swelled with pride and peace as we gathered with friends and family to remember our son. He was here. He matters. He is loved. This is all I have wanted.... for Nicholas and his life to be acknowledged. For his short yet impactful life to be celebrated and respected.

And then it's done. The planning... the scheduling... the preparing and creating. It's done and I am left with the negative thoughts.. the memories I am terrified of remembering, but also so scared of forgetting.

This time last year we learned we were expecting again. A very big surprise for us. Unexpected, but accepted all the same. A new little blessing to join our family. A new love. A new miracle. Until we miscarried.... and our world was rocked, once again. Catapulted back to when we learned of Nicholas' devastating fate... forced to face the fear and the pain all over again.

I feel as though my hormones and my emotions are at war. I feel like my body and my soul are running in opposite directions and I am struggling to keep them together.

I know... this too shall pass and I have so many beautifully amazing days to look forward to. Our oldest son turns 8 in a couple of weeks and we are so incredibly proud of the strong, sensible (most of the time) young boy he has become. Little Miss Madison's 2nd Birthday is just around the corner and I have started to plan some surprises for her. We are expecting a new little boy to our family just before Christmas. My brother and SIL will welcome their son very shortly and I am both overjoyed and a little bit frightened.... We'll fit Christmas in somewhere along the way.... I am excited and anxious to watch the little one's explore. I have been asked to speak at a Tree Lighting Memorial Service in early December and have feverishly been working on a 20 minute speech... which makes my heart beat faster at the thought.

~ sigh ~

We'll get there... we always do... by the grace of love, healing and the wonderful support of friends and family... we remember... we honour... we love... and we live.

Lea

Nicholas' 3rd Angel Day ~ Race and Remembrance ~ A story in photos

2011-11-14T11:11:00.027-05:00

Nicholas' 3rd Angel Day was emotional, fabulous, overwhelming, magical, humbling and joyous.... A beautiful mess of contradictions, much like our lives now.... a delicate balance of happy and sad... of grateful and hurt...of peace and disdain.

We were blessed. Blessed with fantastic, sunshiney weather.. blessed with an abundance of friends and family showing love and support in the name of our son. Blessed with remembrance and comfort as we celebrated Nicholas and what his life means to us.

We were also blessed to have a great friend take some perfect photos of our day.

Below tells our story:

Lovely, spirited, Evan delivering bubbles to the kids

Daddy to Evan, Kyle, Nicholas and Miss Madison

Our beautiful, sensitive soul... Kyle

Nana, Daddy and Papa

Daddy and Papa

Uncle D, Papa and Auntie Jess

Mommy "trying" to express thanks

The kid participants

Mommy, Kyle and Madison

Auntie Jen

The balloon release ~ I read "On The Night You Were Born" before the release

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Personal Letter - Included in Comfort Boxes

2011-11-10T12:51:00.002-05:00

The following is the letter that I included in the Comfort Boxes

"I would rather have had one breath of his hair..
one kiss of his mouth..
one touch of his hand..
than an eternity without it.."

Dear Friend,

On November 7, 2008, our youngest son, Nicholas, was born peacefully sound asleep at 35 weeks gestation. In that moment our lives changed dramatically. We were blindsided. Our world stopped and we found ourselves walking a path saturated with immeasurable grief, desolation and uncontrollable sadness… a journey we never thought we would have to face.

The past three years have been intense, unpredictable and full of unimaginable grief, but they have also been filled with hope, inspiration and an incredible amount of healing. Although it is painful to not have Nicholas here with us, his spirit and his legacy have infused our family with indomitable strength and infinite love over the past 3 years. We remember him often, we honour him daily, we love him unconditionally. He is forever a part of our hearts and our souls.

It is because Nicholas has touched our lives so deeply that we were compelled to put something together to help other parents who are forced to face such a horrific loss. It is our hope that you may find comfort, love, understanding and eventual peace and healing within these special boxes. When we are forced to face the unimaginable ~ the loss of our babies ~ often tangible memories such as pictures, hand/footprints, blankets to take home… aren’t considered until it is too late. We hope that our packages can offer comforting options to help you memorialize your baby.

My friend, my heart breaks that you find yourself on this journey, one where I have walked and wept. Please be gentle on yourself. Accept support. Talk. Remember. Feel. Love.

I write in hope that knowing others have walked through this anguish gives you hope. Please know that you are not alone in what often feels like a very lonely journey. I hope that you can feel my arms around you as I weep with you.

Sending much love and strength to you and your family & remembering your son/daughter with you,

Leanna Reeves ~ Mommy to Nicholas

Dear Nicholas - Happy 3!

2011-11-07T13:35:00.004-05:00

Hey Buddy ~ Happy Birthday!!

I have so much to say.. so much to update.

Your walk on Saturday was magical. Mommy and Daddy were blown away by the turn out of family and friends to share in such a special day and to remember and honour you. Our hearts could not have been any fuller as people continued to mingle down the hill to the gazebo... The sea of everyone dressed in red will be etched in my mind forever... I look forward to sharing pictures.. just have to sift through them..

I visited the hospital today and delivered some of the Comfort Boxes that we have been working so hard on. What a memorable visit... More to come on that too.

Today, my boy... my heart swells with love and it aches with sadness. Such as our life these days... a pure mixture of joy and grief. Your tiny, beautiful life has touched so many... makes mommy so proud of you.

I leave you with this today, my love:

Dear Nicholas,

Three years ago you flew up high
To play amongst the clouds.
We can’t believe it’s been that long,
Your life embraces us all.

Nicholas, my sweet boy,
We miss you more and more.
We dream of you, we speak your name,
As you continue to soar.

November 7th is here again
My heart feels so much pain.
You had the power to touch us all,
Our lives are not the same.

We’ll sing a song, we’ll eat some cake,
We’ll light your candle again.
We’ll honour you, we’ll remember you,
In sunshine and in rain.

For today we sing up to the sky,
And hope that you join in.
Each note, each breath is just for you,
Each smile, each tear is too…

You burn within our hearts, my son,
You have helped us do so much.
Happy Birthday…We Love You,
Thank you for your touch.

Love,
Mommy xx
November 7, 2008

Comfort Boxes

2011-10-31T14:23:00.008-04:00

Our evening of putting together the Comfort Boxes for the hospital was truly magical. A special evening spent with some very special women. Thank you to Franchesca for the postcards shown on top of the boxes... beautiful. Here are how they turned out....

The tag placed just inside the box reads : Lovingly donated in memory of Nicholas Warren Reeves

Your Nana and I delivered them to the hospital today ~ on your birthday. What a truly moving and memorable visit. We were able to meet some very important and special people and share with them our initiative for the Comfort Boxes. I am wholeheartedly overwhelmed with the response of love and support. Most importantly, I am filled with bittersweet, beautiful memories of you, sweet boy ~ your tiny, gorgeous life has allowed us to touch so many more. Your memory soars. Your legacy flies....

Halloween Day - 3 Years Ago

2011-10-31T09:53:00.002-04:00

As much as I enjoy watching our children have so much fun on Halloween....... the day will never be the same. I find it difficult to find the joy....

Halloween Day ~ Three Years Ago

CHANGE ~ Nicholas' Race and Remembrance

2011-10-27T10:58:00.001-04:00

Dear Friends and Family,

Sadly, we have been informed that the Dirty Duathalon that we were planning on participating in to commemorate Nicholas' 3rd Angel Day, has been rescheduled from November 5, 2011 to November 12, 2011. After considerable consideration "Team Nicholas" has decided that we are unable to attend the event due to the change of date. Many schedules and functions were changed in order for all to participate on November 5th and we are unable to change our plans at such short notice.

In the beginning I was devastated with this news. The Duathalon has always been such a strong, positive focus and a memorable day for our family. I couldn't imagine not having it to look forward to this year. However, after some soul searching and conversations with some awesome, supportive friends and family we have decided that this change in plans is a blessing in disguise.

We are now planning our own "Team Nicholas" Run/Walk/Stroll which will commence at the Gazebo at Fairy Lake in Newmarket. We will make our way through the pretty trails and end up back at the Gazebo where we will release several balloons to the sky...

We invite everyone (big and small - kids are more than welcome in strollers, wagons, scooters, etc.) to join us for a beautiful, peaceful and meaningful journey through the trails of Fairy Lake as we honour and remember our son, brother, grandson, nephew, cousin and friend, Nicholas Warren Reeves.

After our adventure we will gather at our home ~ 455 Heddle Crescent, Newmarket ~ for lunch and birthday treats.

I truly believe that this change happened for a reason. We are looking forward to a blessed day with many family and friends.

We hope to see you there!

Where - Meet at Gazebo, Fairy Lake, Newmarket, Ontario
When - Saturday, November 5, 2011
Time - 11 am
RSVP - Leanna ~ lcreeves3@hotmail.com

Lunch and refreshments to follow at the Reeves' House ~ 455 Heddle Crescent, Newmarket

Much Love,
Leanna, Jim, Evan, Kyle, Madison ... Remembering Nicholas

The Beginning of the End - October 28, 2008

2011-10-26T11:34:00.002-04:00

The next couple of weeks will be tough to get through gracefully. Please bare with me. I am so incredibly grateful for all of the love and support.

I just realized how fitting/ironic it is that we will be getting together on Friday (October 28) to create our beautiful Comfort Boxes.

~ sigh ~

The Beginning of the End - October 28, 2008

Hope

2011-10-20T13:55:00.003-04:00

There has been a lot of talk about 'hope' lately. About finding gentler days. About holding on (sometimes barely) until the light breaks through. About finding that inner peace... a new found softness to your days.

This little beauty is my hope.

Love you, baby girl. Thank you for showing me the light. Everyday.

November....

2011-10-17T14:39:00.003-04:00

November is approaching and I can feel it in my bones. It's so true when they say that grief is physical, isn't it? I can literally feel the energy being sucked from my body. The aches.. the pains... the constant lump in my throat and tears just below the surface. I am, once again, trying desperately to draw a full, cleansing breath... to no avail and my tummy is in knots. I am anxious and irritable and my arms are begging for my baby boy.

Had a good, strong, from the soul kind of cry the other night. One of those cries that purges the soul. One of those "why us" cries... the sorry for yourself and all you've lost cries. I grasped Nicholas' blanket to me that night. I smelled him. I yearned to feel him close. I imagined his adorable, perfect, little face and wished beyond a wish to kiss it all over once again.

I knew it was coming. You just never know when it will hit you... like a ton of bricks.

We have been working really hard on the Comfort/Memory Boxes. I feel really good about them.. about what they may be able to offer newly grieving parents. But, as much as it gives me a positive focus for Nicholas' impending Angel Day I must admit that I also feel drained. I want to pour as much love, hope, understanding and comfort I can into every package. I want others to know that they are not alone. I want others to realize that there are ways to memorialize their babies before it's too late. I want others to realize that there is hope along this journey. It may be faint at times. It may flicker from time to time, but there is always hope and there is always our babies to help guide us.

Hmmm... no wonder my eyes sting from tears and tiredness. All completely, 100% worth it though. Every effort... every thought... every memory... every ounce of love ... it's all worth it, buddy.

xo

The Heartbreak of Infant Loss

2011-10-12T14:00:00.002-04:00

One of our fellow baby loss Mama's shared this article on facebook. All I can say is, "WOW".... I feel the following words could have been extracted from my own heart. Amazing and important to share.

The Heartbreak of Infant Loss

Beautiful Hope

2011-10-11T13:29:00.002-04:00

Thank you Franchesca for continuing to remind us that there truly is hope in our daily lives.

I found myself having a nostalgic weekend. The weather was absolutely beautiful, summer like, a more than perfect weekend to spend with family at our cottage. The sun was shining, the lake was sparkling, the leaves were falling, the Autumn brush was burning filling the air with the sweet smell of smoky beauty. The colours of the trees as we gazed across the lake were gorgeous and the cool, crisp evenings were awesome, snuggle-up times.

The kids had a blast raking up the leaves and jumping in them only to rake them up again, again and again...

And we had some very special visits... ladybugs seemed to fill the air. Some would light on our hands for a while. One hung out on my back. We even had one fly into our car on the way up on Saturday. He stayed with us the entire ride..... "Mommy, now we're all together again! Nicholas needs you"... Sigh. As much as I cherish those 'visits' sometimes it doesn't seem to get much easier.

Love to you all...

Some Updates.... In photos

2011-10-04T13:38:00.004-04:00

Haven't shared photos for a while... thought it was about time for a little update from our family to yours.

Nicholas' 3rd Angel Day ~ Race and Remembrance

2011-09-26T13:45:00.001-04:00

September 26, 2011

Dear Family and Friends,

It’s hard to believe that we are approaching Nicholas’ 3rd Angel Day. The past three years have been intense, unpredictable and full of unimaginable grief, but they have also been filled with hope, inspiration and an incredible amount of healing. Although it is painful to not have Nicholas here with us, his spirit and his legacy have infused our family with indomitable strength and immeasurable love over the past 3 years. We remember him often, we honour him daily, we love him unconditionally. He is forever a part of our hearts and our souls.

Many of you will remember that for the past two years, on or around November 7th, our dear friends, Marcus and Meagan Olson participate in a duathalon in honour of our baby boy. The experiences we have witnessed on these days have been truly beautiful and perfect. We are so thankful to have such a wonderful and positive focus on a day that is extremely emotional for our family. This year, on November 5, 2011, we will again be participating in the same duathalon and dedicating the day to Nicholas. We are very blessed to have such a wonderful support system.

This year we would like to invite anyone who is interested in being a part of “Team Nicholas” to participate. Marcus will be racing in the long (3.8K Run – 10K Bike – 3.8K Run) course. There is also a short (short (1.9k Run-5k Bike-1.9k Run) course for those who are interested.

The duathalon will be held on Saturday, November 5, 2011 at Sir Sanford Fleming College in Peterborough, Ontario. The course is completely off road and is a mix of single track and open trails. If you are interested in participating please contact myself or Marc and Meagan directly. There is certainly power in numbers and we look forward to another inspiring day!

The following link will direct you to the Dirty Duathalon website – for registration and information.
http://runnerslife.ca/xnew/html/modules/newbbex/viewtopic.php?topic_id=2956&forum=1&post_id=10385#forumpost10385

Last year we invited family and friends to donate to the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit at Southlake Regional Health Center in honour of Nicholas. We were overwhelmed with the response and humbled to be able to contribute to such an important initiative in Nicholas’ name.

This year, we have another vision to celebrate and honour Nicholas. Jim, Evan, Kyle, Madison and I, along with some very generous friends and family, will be creating some special Hospital Memory/Comfort Boxes for the labour and delivery ward of our local hospital. During the past 3 years I have been fortunate enough to meet and support some extraordinary parents who are suffering the loss of their babies. It is my understanding and my experience that not too much exists in terms of tangible care and support when you are forced to leave the hospital with empty arms.

It is our hope to provide items in these packages to newly bereaved parents that may help in memorializing their babies. When parents are forced to face the unimaginable; saying goodbye to their children, tangible things such as pictures and hand/footprints aren’t often thought about until it’s too late. Our goal is to offer comforting options... options that are not typically thought of in the fresh stages of grief.

Our Memory/Comfort Boxes will include the following:
• Tea light
• Journal & pen
• Angel Wings
• Small blankets
• Small knit hats
• Disposable cameras
• Water soluble ink pad and paper for hand/footprints
• Poems and support information

Jim, Evan, Kyle, Madison and I would like to invite you to support “Team Nicholas” in honour of our son, Nicholas Warren Reeves, this November 5, 2011.

By donating any of the above items for our Memory/Comfort Boxes or by visiting the Angel Wings Memorial Boutique (http://angelwingsmemorialboutique.blogspot.com) and donating via PayPal you will be helping us to celebrate Nicholas’ life, honouring his memory and supporting newly bereaved parents in creating precious memories of their children.

I would also like to take the opportunity to introduce you to a dear friend and fellow grieving mother, Caroline. Caroline said goodbye to her second son, James, at Southlake Regional Health Center on January 20, 2011. Caroline has become a beautiful friend and is offering her time and her heart to this wonderful cause. It is because of our friendship and her support that we dedicate the Memory/Comfort Boxes in James’ name as well as Nicholas. I am certain that they are magical friends in the clouds.

We thank you, from the bottom of our hearts, for taking the time to consider remembering our precious Nicholas in such a special way.

If you are interested in donating items for our Memory/Comfort Boxes OR if you are interested in contributing a monetary gift to help in purchasing the items for the boxes via PayPal please visit the following link (http://angelwingsmemorialboutique.blogspot.com). There is a “donate” button on the left panel. Please be sure to indicate your donation is for the Memory/Comfort Boxes.

Or, you may contact me directly.

lcreeves3@hotmail.com

905-967-1274

455 Heddle Cres
Newmarket, ON
L3X 2J4

As we hope to deliver the boxes on November 7th, 2011, donations would be appreciated by October 21st, 2011. This will give us 2 weeks to create these special memoirs. Thank you so much.

Every donation provides hope. Every gift is precious.

With Love and Gratitude,
Marcus, Meagan, Noah and Finnley Olson
&
Leanna, Jim ,Evan, Kyle, Madison and Angel Baby Nicholas Reeves

“I would rather have had one breath of his hair, one kiss of his mouth,
one touch of his hand, than an eternity without it…”

Moving Post

2011-09-23T11:36:00.001-04:00

Team Ewan - And Everything After

What a profoundly moving post. Speaks volumes. We can relate so deeply.

Beyond Hope

2011-09-21T14:01:00.003-04:00

Thank you to Franchesca for keeping this blog hop going. I feel honoured to be able to be a part of it.

I think the biggest thing that brings me hope lately is the return of my own sense of hope. I can feel it again. I mean truly feel it... and being able to feel so deeply and without inhibition again is truly something I never thought would be part of my life again.

Since losing Nicholas almost three ago, I have had glimpses of hope... I've seen the light.. I have won some of the battles. When I look into our other boys eyes, I am hopeful for their future. When we found out we were expecting again after Nicholas, although petrified, I could feel the glory of family start to surround me again. And when Miss Madison was born and safe and sound on my chest, I could believe in the beauty of miracles again. but if I am honest with myself, there was always a cloud reigning overhead. Always a strong feeling of something bad to come. I am certain that these feelings were my own... I am certain that my brain was protecting my heart and not letting any guards down. I am certain that when you go through something as life changing as losing a child your senses and your heart are permanently altered.

Lately I have felt a lot more free. Free from the heaviness. Free from the burden that encapsulated my soul for so long. Of course, I have my moments... my days. Sometimes I picture Nicholas beautiful, beautiful face and I literally must catch breath at the thought of him not being here. It's amazing how one small, split second can send your heart reeling.

Most of my days feel lighter and truly happier. I agree with Franchesca when she said "hope is not just about feeling it in your life, it's about choosing it." How incredibly true and what a changing experience it is when you finally realize that. As bereaved parents we can choose so many paths. One of despair and desperation or one of faith and hope. I am a firm believer that it is much, much more difficult to choose the latter. It requires indomitable strength, courage and a will to survive such tragedy.

There are so many women in this community that exude all of those qualities. Women I am humbled to call "friends". Women I have learned so much from. Women who have taught me to 'choose hope'.

Love you Ladies....
Love you Nicholas...

Summer Secrets

2011-08-25T14:30:00.004-04:00

It's been so long since I have visited Nicholas' Touch. A part of me feels guilty for not maintaining his space in a way I feel I should. Another part of me knows that there isn't a day that goes by where Nicholas' name is not mentioned and he is thought of with love and adoration. Just last night, while we were experiencing some pretty wicked weather, Kyle (5 years) was uncomfortable with the thunder and lightning. It was wild and loud and very, very close. As we sat on the couch watching the storm I explained to him that when I was a child my mommy and daddy said that thunder is the Angels having a bowling match. He thought about it for a while and seemed satisfied with this way of thinking. After the next big crack of thunder he turned to me with a smile and let me know that Nicholas just got a spare. Bless his heart. It's in those moments I am so incredibly proud of our kids. They have such love in their souls... it touches everyone.

We have had a beautifully hot, dry and sunny summer. The kids and I have been lucky enough to be up at our family cottage for most of it. Day trips have been wonderful. Day camps have been full of fun and friends. Hanging out in the water or on the back road catching frogs has been memorable. And the laughter has been contagious. It's been nice to have the laughter back... in full swing. For so long I felt like I was holding back. Like I didn't deserve the laughter, the fun, the peace and tranquility.

We have also had plenty of ladybug visits. For the first few weeks there was nothing and I could feel myself getting anxious for a sign.... any kind of sign. Then we started seeing quite a few. In the garden as we picked lettuce for dinner. In the swimming pool with Madison, on the bright, yellow flowers down by the lake. There is such a sweet comfort with those tiny, little bugs. A comfort that is so desperately needed some days.

I have had a dream this summer. A couple of times. It plays the same theme. A horrific, sad and torturess theme. Haunting and down right cruel. I don't think I can even write about it here. I don't think I could put it into any kind of words that would make sense. I just know that it's exhausting and is playing havoc with my mostly comforted heart. Just when you think you have come to terms, or at least found some peace, your mind reminds you of the terrifying details. I can only imagine it will always be this way and we must take the blows as they come... but, man, is it tough.

I read the other day, on a baby loss forum ~ "the loss of a baby/child... there is nothing more devastating... I have known people who have been destroyed..." I must pay tribute to so many for not being "destroyed" from our loss. My husband, my children, my parents and my much loved and cherished friends who chose to stick by me through the darkest days. I credit the Angel Wings Boutique with giving me the strength to offer comfort and support to other grieving parents. I am so thankful to Nicholas and his spirit. He lifts me up when I need lifting. He shines his beautiful light when I'm in the dark. And he whispers in my ear when I need soothing.

What I wouldn't give to feel the weight of his tiny body in my arms again....

Love you, Buddy.

Some Answers

2011-06-28T14:13:00.001-04:00

Thank you all for such a positive response. It's always nice to know who is reading and who may be getting something out of our personal experience.

Lesley

Lea,
There is a question I know I have been pondering myself, and wanted to throw it out there to you and your readers. After we lost our only daughter in 2009, we knew that we wanted to try to have another baby. Our Rainbow baby boy was born in april 2010. People keep asking us if we are "done" and I struggle with the answer. There is a want deep within me, but I can't tell if that feeling is the wanting of another baby, or just wanting the daughter I lost. Does anyone else feel that way? How do you separate the feelings?

Caroline

You should know that some of my most comforting moments in this terrible journey have come from you. Never doubt the incredible support you offer to those of us struggling along the way.
I would be intersted in knowing how you knew you were ready to try again.

*************

Such honest questions, Lesley and Caroline. I think they are fairly similar in nature so I thought I'd offer my advice and thinking of both together.

Lesley ~ Although I am not in the same position, I can honestly say that I would most probably feel some of the same way. My husband and I always said that we would try to have 3 children. We each come from 3 children homes and I guess it just felt right to us. Nicholas was our third baby. When we were given his devastating diagnosis and prognosis our hearts were broken, our souls shattered. We survived for 1 1/2 weeks knowing that our son was not going to make it and in that time we searched for answers and for solace. We talked to him, we sang to him, we rubbed him and cradled him while safe in my belly. We asked him for strength.. for any kind of courage to face the days without him. Nicholas' force became apparent when we got pregnant with our rainbow. I felt his support and encouragement every step of the way.

Lesley ~ I remember thinking during the entire pregnancy with Madison that, although first and foremost I prayed for a healthy, live baby.. I secretly prayed for a girl. I honestly felt like having a girl in my arms would help me through the anxiety of holding another newborn. That one something different from Nicholas. A different dynamic. A little pink hat rather than a blue one to remind me of Nicholas' little face. Personally, I was also afraid that having a little boy would be like a replacement Nicholas to some people. I was fiercely afraid of that. Afraid that somehow his memory would be erased in other's minds because another little boy was with us. Probably really silly, but so unbelievably true. When the doctors continually said we were having a girl I wasn't convinced. After three boys, I was sure we would be adding another beautiful son to our family. And when she was born the anxiety, mixed with the sheer joy of a safe arrival was still there. The pink hat didn't matter... Nicholas' face is etched in my soul.

Caroline ~ yours is a question I struggled with for quite a while... even once we became pregnant again. That's the thing. I don't believe we are ever completely "ready" for a subsequent pregnancy after such a heartbreaking loss. Our hearts are forever changed. Our minds forever filled with fear of the unknown. We will never have another calm, gentle and naive pregnancy. I can't pinpoint the exact time we chose to try again. All we knew was that we desperately needed to bring some hope back to our lives and to our living children's lives. And although our pregnancy with Madison was extremely nerve wracking it was most definitely filled with hope. It gave us a positive focus and something to believe in again. In the end, it was the best thing for us and for our family. I think it's pretty fitting that we call Madison "Little Miss Sunshine"... she has brought some much needed sunshine back to our lives.

I think we also worry so much about our lost babies being forgotten... especially once a rainbow comes along. For us that couldn't be further from the truth. Nicholas is with us every single day. He and Madison share such a special and unique bond. I truly believe that he was by her side the night she was born and is flying above ensuring her safety always. James will most certainly do the same for his mommy and new baby brother or sister when the time comes. He will always be engrained in your family. Your very own Guardian Angel.

Holly

think this is great of you to want to help so much.

I was curious...how many angel wings have you sent out to date?

Holly ~ without being super accurate... I have posted over 450 wings and posted out approximately 400. ~ crazy!

Open Forum - Questions For Me?

2011-06-24T11:40:00.003-04:00

I've said it before.... there have been many people IRL lately who have been forced to join this awful club. Old friends, new friends, friends of friends... all women who have had to say goodbye to their precious babies much too soon. There is a pull in my heart... a desire to want to try to help. To try to offer comfort. To try to find some words that allow both understanding of current pain and hope for the future.

I'm not convinced that I am doing a good job.

That's where you (Nicholas' Touch readers) come in.

No matter where you are in your journey...

Whether your pain is fresh and still soul searing... or the raw pain has gently subsided...

I would love to hear from you.

Is there anything in particular that you would like my perspective on in terms of this journey?

Are there any direct questions that I can answer honestly and truthfully for you?

Please let me know. I would love some direction.... some guidance in my quest to help...

With Love,

Lea

Balsam Lake will never be the same...

2011-06-23T12:44:00.003-04:00

Thought about you so much yesterday, Nicholas. We've been to some pretty tough funerals... this one was not an exception.

The tears flowed freely as I remembered some great memories with C, as I imagined the pain the family is feeling, as I remembered the closeness your Nana and Papa shared with her.

The tears flowed freely for her sons. Realizing what a special and strong support they have lost.

The tears flowed freely for her husband. Grief stricken and devastated by the fact that his life's partner was taken so tragically.

The tears flowed freely as I held you close to my heart, sweet boy... as I flashed back to the agonizing moments of saying goodbye to you, one of our most precious possessions in this world.

The tears flowed freely as I realized that there is now one more beautiful soul in Heaven looking out for you.

We'll miss you, C. Balsam Lake will never be same....

Blossom

2011-06-17T10:03:00.003-04:00

Looking at the calendar the other day I realized just where we'd be had "Blossom" survived. July 15 was our due date and it's hard to believe that we are almost upon July. Madison decided to show up 4 weeks early... I can't help but think about the fact that this baby could have showed up early and been home right now...

Amazing what a blink of an eye can do. Amazing what the universe can throw at the human spirit...

To be honest, we weren't ready for another baby. I wasn't convinced that I could physically or emotionally endure another pregnancy. I was fairly certain that my mind would finally break from terror and I definitely wasn't confident that we could make it to the end. The emotional hazard of experiencing the horrifying loss of a baby, I guess.

But, in the short time that we knew about "Blossom", we planned, we accepted, we tried to put our minds at ease..... and we were comfortable with the fact that, once again, we had been blessed.

Every so often I think about what could have been where "Blossom" is concerned. I believe that our baby was taken because something wasn't right, but it doesn't make the wonder any less.

Just watching the calendar in remembrance and healing.....

A Ladybug Visit to Soothe our Soul

2011-06-15T13:54:00.003-04:00

We saw a ladybug this morning.

Perfectly perched on our magnolia tree.

Peaceful and still.

A vibrant colour of red...

it reminded me of your hair.

The most perfect and gentle combination of crimson and auburn.

The ladybug landed and decided to stay for a while.

Kyle couldn't take his eyes off of it and I imagined what was swirling around in his innocent 5 year old head.

The ladybug flew away after several minutes... Kyle piped up;

"Mommy, he flew away. High in the sky to the real Nicholas."

Bless his beautiful heart.

We miss and think about you every day, sweet Nicholas.

April 18, 2009

2011-05-30T11:40:00.002-04:00

My heart has been aching so much recently for some new "members" to our baby loss club. I struggle to try to find the words to let them know that they are not alone... that the feelings they are feeling are so completely normal, although horribly draining. It got me thinking to a post I wrote on April 18, 2009. It follows:

TO GET SOMEWHERE, YOU HAVE TO LEAVE NOWHERE BEHIND

I have been thinking about this sentiment a lot lately; to get somewhere you have to leave nowhere behind.

There have been many things in my life that I have been fearful of. When I was young, and in grade school, I was extremely shy. I would physically get sick if I was requested to answer a question in front of the entire class and forget it if there was a presentation of some kind. I had come a long, long way from being that insecure, afraid little girl.... until my son died.

Back then, challenging my fear was not something I wanted to do, but if I wanted to do well in school and make my teachers proud, I had to conquer that fear. At the time I didn't realize the subtle things I was learning by pushing myself and expanding my comfort zone. I didn't know that my confidence would grow, propelling me to take risks in other areas of my life. The lesson learned was that in order to get somewhere you must leave nowhere behind.

After Nicholas died I found myself living in 'nowhere' land (still do sometimes). That was fine with me. My comfort zone had been shattered, nothing will ever be the same as it was. We have been forced to take this unwanted journey through grief. The pain can be so intense and so powerful, it's often hard to put one foot in front of the other.

"Nowhere" land was just fine for while. I wanted to stay there for a long time. Nowhere became very comfortable... somewhere is not a place I wanted to go.

I still find myself not wanting to go somewhere... to stay in "nowhere" land, but it's that comfort in being nowhere when I think we subconciously make a decision to either stay in 'nowhere' or challenge ourselves - answering a question in front of the class confidently, so to speak. We must work at going somewhere, even though we may be afraid of where somewhere will take us.

I remember thinking that "anywhere is better than nowhere" ... "I am tired, no, exhausted, of feeling so sad all the time". I think that was one of my 'light bulb' moments. It was after recognizing that "anywhere is better than nowhere" that I felt some healing begin. Most days I am still scared as to where this somewhere will take me, take us. The unknown is frightening. We are walking blind. I just wish that there was a crystal ball on the path to 'somewhere'.

Grief is scary, scary stuff. Grief has pounded us, tortured us, exhausted us.... it's definitely hard to get back up sometimes. Yet, somehow we manage to keep breathing, somehow we manage to exist.

It's very scary to go 'somewhere' and leave 'nowhere' behind. I was terrified that that meant leaving Nicholas behind - now I know that that is the furthest from the truth. He will travel with me to 'somewhere'. He will help me get there. He will help me get back up when I stumble along the way. I truly believe that if we acknowledge our pain, confront it, the pain will slowly lessen.... our lives will get a little more manageable. It's all so hard... but if we want to work at it, we can do it.

Writing helps me, as I know it helps many of you wonderful ladies reading here. If writing helps to relieve some pain, then I say go for it. If talking to someone, hugging someone, yelling at the wall helps you, then go for it! I think it's so important for us to let out our emotions.. even the scary ones. It's okay to let others know what you need (or what you don't need). It's a sign of strength to ask for help. Help and support is out there, we should use it. As we express our emotions, we are beginning to heal. We are beginning to go 'somewhere'.

I once heard a quote that said "Even though the deaths of our children have absolutely crushed us, it is because of their lives that we must fight for our lives." Wow, how true is that! I am constantly learning about the little things that I can do to take down my path to 'somewhere', to a happier place. These things are ever changing (I suspect they always will be).

One way that will help me in my quest for going 'somewhere' will eventually be to help others. The love I have for Nicholas can be spread around, to those in need, to those who are new to this journey. I am looking forward to spreading that love when I feel ready to do so.

I think that "to get somewhere you have to leave nowhere behind" will always be a battle. We will forever carry our grief with us, just as we do our precious babies, but I don't want that to mean that we are destined to live a 'grief stricken' life. We will have to fight to go 'somewhere'... fight for a place of hope, for a place of meaning. Fighting is so hard, but I have to believe that it's worth it, we are worth it and our Angels are worth it.

"Right Where I Am" ~ Two Years, 6 months, 19 Days

2011-05-26T11:59:00.003-04:00

First off a big thank you to Angie at Still Life With Circles for starting this discussion. I think it's an important one to have. I think it's important to write, to connect, to remember and to recognize that no matter where we are in our journey of forever grieving our children, what we feel and don't feel on a regular basis is OK and it's important to share.

We are Two Years, 6 Months and 19 Days along on our journey. It seems so surreal to even type that, let alone accept it. Sometimes it feels like forever ago since we held our baby boy in our arms and said goodbye... other days the memories and the pain are so strong it's almost palpable. I think it will always be that way. I will always miss Nicholas. I will always miss his strong, timely kicks in my belly. I will always miss his smell... his touch. I will always wonder what it would be like to have 3 boys and a girl filling our home with laughter. I will always miss his life in my life.

But, time has a way of marching on. The world somehow continues to spin when our world has seemingly come to a crashing halt. It's amazing, but the old cliche that "time heals" is partly true. I don't believe I will ever be "healed". The chunk of my heart that left with my baby boy will never repair itself, but time has surely softened the anguish. I can talk about Nicholas with a smile. I can stare at his pictures and not break down and cry. I can light his candle and be proud that he chose me to be his mommy.

The hurt is still there. The "why Nicholas" will not go away, but the burden of grief has found a special spot to nestle in my heart. If someone asked me 2 1/2 years ago what my purpose in life was I don't think I would have known what to say. Today, I am certain that my purpose is to be the best mommy I can be to all four of our children which includes the delicate balance of parenting our 'earth angels' while honouring and remembering our guardian angel.

Nicholas is a huge part of our life and our family. He has a special table in our home where our most precious memories are placed. He is in our hearts. The boys talk about their brother often. They are proud to include him in their family trees at school and aren't uncomfortable to talk to others about the fact that they have a brother who died. There are still moments when our middle son, especially, will become very emotional and long for Nicholas to be here with us. They cycle through this grief journey too. As they become older, their ideas, views and comprehension changes...they ask more questions... they need more support. We have come to learn that this is perfectly normal. Although it breaks my heart that our boys had to learn such a difficult and tragic life lesson at such a young age, I am extremely proud at their response. Nicholas is embraced and he is celebrated. He has enhanced our family on so many levels.

Then there are ladybugs. To make a very long story short, on the first anniversary of Nicholas' birth/death a ladybug landed on my finger and stayed with us for literally hours.... very strange for a cold, November day in Ontario, Canada. We took it as a sign... a hope that our boy was with us that day and ever since our ladybug encounters have been extremely special. I would NEVER have been one to believe in such outrageous stories, but it's funny what grief will do to you. Truly, ladybugs come by to visit at such perfect moments... it's hard not to believe in the magic of our Angel's presence.

A year after losing Nicholas we added another beautiful baby to our family. Her name is Madison and she is pure joy. A cheeky little girl with a fiery spirit. She has been our sunshine. Our rainbow after the storm. She is a constant reminder that life is good. We are blessed. Magic happens.

This on-line community has often been my life line. When people in real life just don't get it... I come up here and sit at the computer. I devour every blog that has touched me. I learn about other stories and I feel comforted. Not comforted in the fact that there are so many of us out there, but comforted in the fact that I am not alone. I think that is the biggest thing.... there is a light bulb that will go off at some point in your journey and you will realize that you are not alone. There is support, although sometimes hidden, there is compassion, there is love and there is understanding. I am constantly amazed at the connections I have made with parents who are sometimes an ocean away. It is humbling and fantastic at the same time. I rely on comments and feedback to soldier on through my toughest days and I thank you for taking the time to read Nicholas' story.

I have also taken tremendous comfort in the Angel Wings Memorial Boutique . This initiative has been amazingly cathartic and fantasticly soothing for my soul. With every request for a pair of wings... with every story of a baby gone far too soon, my heart aches, but I am honoured to offer some comfort. Some light. Some love in such an agonizing time of pain and confusion. Nicholas' legacy flies all over the world in the form of tiny, delicate, hand-crafted Angel Wings.

Life is good. Life is different, but life is definitely good. I wouldn't change a thing. We are who we are today because of paths that we are forced to take. Decisions we are forced to make. Nicholas is engrained in my soul and I wouldn't have it any other way.

Love and strength to you all,
Lea

I did it....

2011-05-19T20:47:00.002-04:00

Thank you, Nicholas for embracing me with the strength and courage to get through our talk tonight. The evening was draining, but beautifully peaceful. To be in a room so full of love, support and understanding is truly amazing.

The following is my talk from tonight;

Memorial – Southlake - 2011

Hi There,

First of all I would like to personally welcome all of you here tonight. I know how difficult it is walk through those doors and I commend you all for finding the strength and the courage to be here to honour, remember and celebrate your children.

Also, please excuse me for reading tonight. I didn’t want to take the chance of not being able to get through this without a crutch.

My name is Leanna. I am a wife to one and a mommy to four beautiful children. Three of them walk beside me every day and one flies high above, never too far away. His name is Nicholas.

"I would rather have had one breath of his hair..
one kiss of his mouth..
one touch of his hand..
than an eternity without it.."

This has become one my all time favourite quotes. It gets me through the tough times. It helps me to stay focused on the blessings that life has given me. This quote is gently engraved into Nicholas ‘ Memorial stone. It embodies or love and appreciation that his life and death have imparted on our lives.

This is our story…..

Two and a half years ago my husband and I received the most devastating, unbearable and confusing news any parent can hear. Our third son, the baby we had planned. The baby we grew with, the baby we loved… was in a desperately grave condition. We were forced to face any parents worst torture ~ the unfathomable reality that our beloved child was unable to survive outside of the womb. The fact that our son’s ultimate fate was death – even before he drew his first breath.

My pregnancy was eventful. At almost 20 weeks I was rushed to the hospital and had emergency surgery to remove an 8 cm cyst that had twisted my ovary. Life-saving surgery for both myself and baby. Several doctor’s, nurses and technicians assured us that our baby boy was just fine. Safe, healthy and totally oblivious to the pain mommy was experiencing. I remember constantly thanking God for that. I gladly took every ounce of pain just knowing that our baby was thriving. As much as his strong kicks hurt my incisions, the tears I shed were those of gratitude. I remember every kick …. Every hiccup and I rejoiced in the fact that we had survived such a life threatening event.

I was released from the hospital and went home to rest. Quite a few weeks later, during a routine scan, my OB requested I be seen by a high risk doctor to rule out any possible problems with our baby’s ventricles in the brain. My OB was fairly certain everything was fine, but with everything we went through to get there, he wanted to be sure. I wasn’t worried. I hardly thought about it. Just an over cautious doctor, which I was grateful for.

In just a few short weeks our lives changed from anxiously expecting another beautiful, healthy son very shortly to living a nightmare in which we would never wake from.

The high risk doctor confirmed that our baby’s ventricles were indeed enlarged. Grossly enlarged…. She immediately sent us to Mt. Sinai hospital where we endured many questions, tests and long, agonizing waits.

I don’t remember much about that day, especially the latter half. I remember being escorted into an office. There were pictures of African animals everywhere…. A trip the owner of the office had taken, no doubt. Pictures of smiling children, happy families… seemingly taunting us. I remember my eyes being glazed over like they have never been before. I remember holding my husband’s hand so tightly.. for fear I would melt to the floor. We sat and we listened through the sobs to the doctors talking about our baby. Our perfect little boy. The baby who we were told was perfectly fine just a week ago. We listened as they told us that his sweet little brain had ceased to develop or it had recessed after my attack, my surgery. All that continued to run through my head was that I deprived my own child the very oxygen and blood necessary to grow…. I failed him. I failed my husband, I failed his brothers who were so desperately awaiting his arrival. I failed his grandparents…his Aunts, his Uncles….. I failed myself.

A week later, at 35 weeks pregnant, I was induced and our beautiful baby boy was born….. sound asleep. I will always remember that overwhelming feeling, just moments after I felt him leave my body, of hoping beyond hope for a cry… that somehow the doctor’s were wrong… that he fought through… I prayed for some kind of miracle as the primal screams of desperation escaped me.

We were able to spend so much precious, memorable time with our boy. We named him Nicholas Warren and he was perfect. He’s still as perfect as ever. He has such a strong presence in our lives. Nicholas is loved, remembered and honoured every single day in our home.

Fast forward to today. I wish I could say that this all makes sense now. That there is some greater purpose of forever walking this road of missing our baby boy. I’m not ready to say that. I’ll never be ready to say that. Today, none of what happened makes any sense to me. I will never accept that our baby had to die for a reason or that God has another plan for him. I don’t believe that. I certainly don’t embrace it. What I do know is that somewhere along my journey I made a promise to myself, my family and especially to Nicholas. I promised that the anguish that resides in my heart over losing him will not define me, but rather, the gratitude and distinct honour of being chosen to be his mommy will soar above all else.

The message I would like to convey tonight is that after surviving the unimaginable, there is hope. There are lighter and brighter days down the road. No matter how far along we are in this journey we must remember to be gentle on ourselves. Be patient. Be kind. Remember. Love and be loved. The sadness, the desperation, the anger… these feelings are all a part of the process. Let yourself go to those dark places, but please, remember the light too. As difficult as it is to accept that time marches on while our world has seemingly come to a crashing halt…. time is our ally. Time softens the pain. Time allows us to remember the good and not always the bad. I know that I will always physically ache for Nicholas. I often say “I miss your body in my body, I miss your soul in my soul… but mostly, I miss your life in my life”, but I also feel like that “ache” has transformed. I have learned to allow joy and grief cohabitate in my heart. It never ceases to amaze me how such definitive opposites can co-mingle so gracefully.

A very old friend once said to me; “I am not a religious person, however I have always believed in Guardian Angels. How bittersweet that you got to meet yours”… what a truly beautiful perspective.

So, I thought I would share a few key things that have helped to lift me on this difficult journey.

Firstly, I found such a huge and fantastic support system on-line. I began a blog for Nicholas, called Nicholas’ Touch where I document my most intimate, raw and candid thoughts, images, emotions. I can honestly say that writing, reaching out to others in similar situations has been amazingly cathartic for me. I am constantly amazed and humbled by the connections I have made with women who live sometimes an ocean away. I feel like I have given Nicholas somewhere tangible to be honoured. A special place for only him and I. A place where I can pour out my love for my son and maybe help others along the way. A place where our other son’s and daughter can visit one day and learn more about their brother. I feel honoured to have that opportunity. On my worst days, it gives me focus, strength and a spirit to keep on fighting.

I also have another blog. An initiative I began a few months into this journey. It’s called the Angel Wings Memorial Boutique. I create hand crafted Angel Wings for babies and children gone too soon. These Angel Wings have flown all over the world, including Australia, England, Spain… The wings are a gift from my Angel to yours. I rely solely on donations to keep the Boutique going. I find tremendous comfort in knowing that Nicholas’ legacy lives on, especially through the wings.

Having said all that….I’d like to leave you with a quote by Maya Angelou….. one that inspires me every day.

"When great souls die, our reality, bound to them, takes leave of us. Our minds formed and informed by their radiance, fall away.....And when great souls die, after a period, peace blooms, slowly and always irregularly. Our senses, restored, never to be the same, whisper to us. They existed.... We can be. Be and be better. For they existed”.

Remember, our Angels are never too far away. They are in the whispers of the wind, the first spring bloom of the season.. the fluffy, white snowflakes that melt on our nose..they are in the crimson sunsets and marshmallow clouds…they are flying on butterfly wings and they are in the ladybug that lands and decides to stay for a while. Where ever you choose to “see” your Angel is the perfect spot… embrace those moments… there are always more to come.
Love and strength to you all. Peaceful healing…

200 Followers!

2011-05-19T14:22:00.001-04:00

Yay ~ I just realized that Nicholas' Touch now has 200 followers! Thank you all so much for your love, support and guidance throughout this journey. I only hope to offer some of the same.

Memorial

2011-05-18T10:55:00.003-04:00

Hey Buddy,

Mommy needs a little inspiration and who better to ask than the one true inspiration in my life.

The Memorial at the hospital is tomorrow evening and I have been asked to speak. I look forward to sharing our story. I look forward to introducing you to everyone who attends. I look forward to being open, honest and raw. I also look forward to hopefully sharing some comfort, some hope, some guidance as others walk this incredibly tumultuous journey.

I want our message to be hope. love. inspiration. You have been nothing short of a strong guiding force in my life since we met you. I feel your soul beside me every single day and it gives me the strength and the courage to go on. I want others, no matter how far along in their grief, to believe that there is hope. That here is light and brighter days. I want others to know that it is okay to be sad.. to feel desperation and despair. That those feelings are part of the process and the process does get a little easier. A little less painful. Our pain shifts from sheer panic and darkness to a more even tone. Our physical and emotional ache for our babies will never go away, but it morphes into a lighter load to carry on our hearts. We learn to let the joy intertwine with the grief and we live.... We can learn to take our grief and use it in a tangible, inspiring way.. a way in which can enrich other lives. We learn to live with our children in our hearts, in our souls.. which isn't an easy thing to do... and, eventually, we learn to do it gracefully and respectfully all the while protecting their memory and honouring their lives.

Hmmm... I just let my fingers type away...

My tummy is in knots, Nicholas, but I am so incredibly proud to honour you in this way.

Love you... Mommy xo

When A Baby Dies

2011-05-10T13:13:00.002-04:00

A fellow baby loss mommy shared this video on her blog today and I felt compelled to share too. It is raw, it is honest, it is incredibly moving..... it also may help others experiencing the loss of a child feel comforted in the fact that they are not alone.... that they are not crazy.

I am confident that supporters may also find it helpful.

We're still here! Our computer has been acting up the last little while, therefore, I haven't been able to get on it too much.

Lots of things happening... life marches on at an alarming rate and I try to enjoy each tiny moment for what it is. Mother's Day weekend was nice. We had our moments... remembering, wishing, missing... but we also had so much fun. Our older boys are really understanding the meaning of these special days now and it warms my heart to see them so excited to impress mom..... priceless moments.

Lots of love to you all.

Nicholas' Touch - Made Over!

2011-05-02T11:06:00.002-04:00

A huge thank you to Franchesca at Small Bird Studios for helping me "make-over" Nicholas' Touch. I love it. It's new and fresh. Simple, yet beautiful....

Love you, Nicholas. I hope you like your new design!

xx ~ Mommy

Happy Easter, Buddy

2011-04-21T12:35:00.003-04:00

Hey Buddy,

I hope you are getting excited about the Easter Bunny! Only 3 more sleeps, as your brothers say. I have been searching for days for the perfect flowers to take to your garden at the cottage and nothing seems right.... Oh, how I wish it were chocolate and sand pails and chalk and bubbles I was picking up for your Easter basket. Miss you, sweet boy.

I saw this on facebook and had to share. Speaks to the heart:

Dear Easter Bunny,

I just had to write today to see if you'll stop in heaven as you hop along your way? You see part of me is up there that I miss with all my heart,
You see my son is up in heaven and my life is torn apart.
So when you take his egg up there,
Please whisper in his ear....
Wish him Happy Easter and tell him, Mommy loves him so dear....
as I wipe away my tears.

-B.J.KarrerSee

Memories ~ the good, the bad and the worst

2011-04-14T10:02:00.004-04:00

I don't if it's our conscious mind or subconscious mind that is in control of keeping the bad memories at bay. I do know that most days - two + years out from holding Nicholas in my arms and saying goodbye as best I could - I consciously try to choose to remember the good memories. The memories that make my heart smile. The memories that make my soul feel warm and at peace. His face, his toes, his smell...

Then, out of the blue, the most horrific memories emerge... they wrestle with the good one's and force their way to the surface. The feelings are unstoppable. Intense and without warning.

Obviously, there are a lot of heartwrenching memories about the time we were given Nicholas' diagnosis and prognosis. Obviously, there are moments, lapses in time, I would much, much rather forget...and I do, for the most part. The defense mechanism of the human spirit. To cloud the traumatic remembrances and highlight the love. To repress the most horrifying experiences and hold high the joy and the reverence.

I still find that concept so disorienting. Hard to put into words, really. The ability our brains have to hide the darkest moments of our lives. It's when those memories are triggered for some reason or another that our conscious fails us... fails our hearts... fails our peace and contentment...

I've been having flashes. Words can trigger them. Feelings can trigger them. Smells can trigger them. Insensitive people can trigger them. The memories are somewhat blurred, yet so achingly real.

There is one memory in particular...one before I was induced to birth my dead son. I don't talk about it often. It's not something anyone wants to know. It's not something anyone wants to deal with. It's the moment our son died. The moment I felt his last kick on the right, lower portion of my belly. The moment all hopes and dreams for Nicholas were taken. The moment I can hear the doctors talking back and forth while looking at his beautiful picture on the screen.... The moment when the tears wouldn't stop and the sobs escaped me as I prayed for my little boy. It's the moment that haunts me... the moment that threatens to destroy my very soul.

So, I am grateful for the resiliency and the protection of the human spirit. I am grateful that most days I am able to remember and honour Nicholas in meaningful and positive ways. The flashes are deafening for a few moments, but Nicholas' beautiful presence in our hearts and in our lives allows me to work through those moments and share his legacy around the world.

200 Followers (almost)

2011-04-08T14:49:00.001-04:00

I just realized that Nicholas' Touch is almost at 200 Followers.

I am so honoured that Nicholas' story... our story... of pain, grief, strength and hope is being shared throughout the world.

Thank you all for your support.

xx

Spring has sprung

2011-04-04T14:40:00.002-04:00

Coming off a fabulous weekend. The weather was actually "spring like" and I could feel the difference in the sun's heat. The kids had a blast. Road hockey, bike riding, chalking, tag, parties and tons of laughter. My heart needed that. The winter has been really long.

Then there's today. A guilty day. A day where I feel like it was horribly wrong to enjoy myself so much. Why should I deserve to enjoy myself? I have sinned. I "let" my baby die. I couldn't keep him safe. I let him down.

I realize these are 'irrational' thoughts. I realize that if there was anything at all I could have down to save Nicholas, I would have done it a million times over.... but there is always that nagging feeling of accountability. The feeling that it doesn't matter if there wasn't anything I could have done differently... I am his mother. He put his trust and faith in me.... and I let him down. My beautiful, red-headed, soft-smelling, precious, baby boy.

I write these words in honesty. In pure, raw and candid emotion. I share in hopes others can relate and realize that it's natural to feel this way, even if the feelings aren't truly warranted.

You can't dictate what your heart feels. It speaks the truth... sometimes it's a truth that is not understood or even accepted by some. But to those who "feel" it... those who live with heavy burdens in their heart everyday, they are real. They are true.

Sometimes I find myself succumbing to the guilt. Sometimes I feel like I must, in order to honour Nicholas. Ridiculous, I know, yet incredibly genuine.

I look forward to enjoying many more beautiful, warm, sunny days ahead. I may hold onto some of the guilt, some of the wishes, dreams of watching Nicholas toddle along the sidewalk.... but I will also soak up that sun and and thank him for the hand he has in sending it to us.

Love you, baby.

Mommy xx

Our Precious Time With Nicholas

2011-03-29T08:37:00.000-04:00

A recent comment prompted me to revisit Nicholas' Memorial Video. These images are forever etched in my mind, my heart and my soul. It is both heart-wrenching and comforting to watch.

The story of our lives.... bittersweet contradiction.

I love you so much, baby.

Venting...

2011-03-21T14:28:00.002-04:00

There is such a fine line between genuinely caring what others think of you and not caring at all. I have always been so conscious of doing right by others. I don't like to let anyone down. I like to give my all.

Since losing Nicholas I must admit that some of these sentiments have changed. I'm not afraid to cut someone from my life to protect my heart and that of my family. I'm more apt to ignore certain people once my feelings are hurt. I'm definitely not as willing to compromise where disrespectful behaviour is concerned. If you burn me once, you're not worth my time or my sincerity. Seems so harsh, but true.

The love and friendship I have in my heart is precious to me. I think I have a lot to give, but I feel one must earn it, one must appreciate it.

So, this all leads to the question..."why does it hurt so much when a so called friend/family member seemingly intentionally does something/says something so hurtful?" I know I should just blow it off. Not let the trivial things upset me... but, dammit, it hurts!

My heart feels so vulnerable....

Blog Hop ~ Small Miracles

2011-03-19T12:53:00.002-04:00

Thank you to Franchesca at Small Bird Studios for organizing this blog hop!

I just love the title of these blog hops ~ Small Miracles. Simple, pure, clean. Focusing on the little things means so much to me. Much more than it used to.

I have always been a believer. A believer that the path we are given in life is the one we are supposed to take. That the miracles and blessings that surround us along the way are special and we should hold each one very close.

Since losing Nicholas my belief has been shaky... My faith has been tested time and time again and yet, my heart still believes.

I believe in happy endings even through the pain.

I believe in healing hearts and butterfly kisses.

I believe in the sunshine and the warmth it lends my soul.

I believe in my children's laughter and that things will be okay.

I believe in the strength of my husband's embrace.

I believe in the power of our family's love.

I believe in sweet, baby Angels and the inspiration they embody me with.

I believe in small miracles.

I believe in me.

Today

2011-03-11T16:10:00.002-05:00

Today, I am deeply saddened. Today, I can't see through the tears. Today, my heart and my soul ache.

Today, I learned of another Angel born far too soon.

Today, I sit here in shock for a dear friend who is now forced to live with one of the most difficult journey's a parent must face. Today, I grieve for a precious, little life that didn't have a chance. Today, I am sickened to know and understand what devastating pain my friend and her family are feeling.

Today, I feel helpless.

Today, I miss Nicholas. Today, I miss what could have been... what should have been.

Today, I am heartbroken for a friend, a mother.

Today, I will honour her baby boy. I will remember him. I will pray for him.

Tonight, Nicholas' candle is lit for baby Jacob.

Guardian Angels

2011-03-02T13:39:00.003-05:00

I got a note from an old, old friend the other day. She had taken the time to read through Nicholas' Touch and familiarize herself with our story of heartache and hope. She is now a physician. Her last line went something like this:

"I have never been a religious person, however, I have always had a strong sense that Guardian Angels surround us.... how bittersweet that you got to meet yours."

Still gives me chills to read. I think this is one of the most beautiful, honest and validating things I have had said to me during this journey....

Thank you, O.

Sad to say we have a new member....

2011-02-22T15:54:00.002-05:00

Hi Ladies,

I know how much love and support is out there in our unique community and ask that you pop over to a new member of our club....

Caroline lost her beautiful baby boy, James, not very long ago. She is very early on in this horrifying journey. We have been in contact for the last couple of weeks as we live close by. Her writing is raw, honest, heartwrenching, yet full of love and adoration for James. Please head over to offer some love, understanding and guidance...

Thank you,
Lea

InspireRings ~ Winner!

2011-02-22T09:42:00.002-05:00

Thank you for all of your interest in "InspireRings"!

I'm excited to announce the winner of the giveaway.....

Hubby chose a number between 1 and 9 and chose.....

#2!

Congratulations, Lost for Words!

Shoot me an email(lcreeves3@hotmail.com) and we can plan your InspireRing!

Love,
Lea

Hope in Ladybugs

2011-02-18T19:22:00.003-05:00

Do you have a small or big miracle that has brought you hope lately? Link up with Franchesca and share with others on her blog hop of hope entitled Small Miracles.

~

The past two + years have been difficult, wonderous, horrifying, blissful, peaceful terrifying, but also full of tremendous HOPE.

We miss our Nicholas every day. He is engrained in our family. A part of our every day dynamics and there are many times he makes his presence known to us.

There was one particular day... his very first Angel Day where hope seemed to prevail and our baby boy was persistent in showing us his love. We were attending a special duathalon that was organized by some amazingly supportive friends in honour of Nicholas. On that day ( a cold, Canadian day in November) a ladybug perched on my hand and didn't leave for the entire race (4-5 hours). This ladybug traveled up and down my arm, lighted on my finger, my water bottle... didn't fly away once. I was convinced that it was a sign. A beautiful sign. A tangible reminder that our babies are always near. They are always watching and loving us from afar.

Since then, ladybugs have become Nicholas' thing, of course. Many of my inspiring, hope filled stories involve ladybugs in one way or another. In fact, just today (an oddly mild day in February) a ladybug landed on my middle son, Kyle's mitten... just for a moment. It's Kyle's birthday.... Nicholas wanted to wish his brother a happy birthday. Love it.

"InspireRings Launch... and a GIVEAWAY!

2011-02-16T14:38:00.004-05:00

Some time ago we received a beautiful, heart-warming gift in the mail in honour of Nicholas. It is a Blessing Ring and it is meant to be a keepsake of memories, cards, notes, poems, verses, etc. of a special person or a special time in your life. When you receive these momentos you simply string them on your Blessing Ring and voila ~ all of your most precious memories are in one spot.

I fell in love with Nicholas' immediately. It's colourful, bright, meaningful ... and it even has a ladybug ornament attached. It hangs close to his spot in our home and I admire it often.

Since receiving Nicholas' Blessing Ring I have attempted to make a few of my own. One for a great girlfriend and another two for new babies (one being a rainbow baby).

So, my mind is whirling with ideas... Would love your opinions on me selling them. I can make them for any occassion:

I am thinking of calling them "InspireRings"....

Memorial
New Baby
Rainbow Baby
New Home
Bridal
Wedding
Mother's Day
Father's Day
Easter
Christmas
Valentine's Day
Best Friend
Sister
Mom
Teacher Gifts

The list can go on!

And so....in celebrating the potential launch of these unique gifts I would like to offer a giveaway!

Here is a sneak-peak....

If you are interested in receiving an "InspireRing", please leave a comment and let me know for what occasion you would like it for. When the winner is chosen I will work with you to create a custom-made "InspireRing".

Contradictions

2011-02-08T10:27:00.003-05:00

"Children are not supposed to die."

Two years and three months later, this statement tends to embody my grief journey. No matter where I am in the cycle of mourning Nicholas, this sentiment is almost always at the forefront of my emotions.

The grief caused by Nicholas' death is not only painful, it is profoundly disorienting ~ children are not supposed to die.

When our baby boy died we were forced to face the most unimaginable paradox; the reality of grieving the loss of our son as well as the inherent need to continue on with life.

The contradictions seem endless. Every day there are moments when I struggle with the contradictory burden of wanting to be free of this overwhelming pain and yet needing it as a reminder of Nicholas. There is a need to fill the void of not having Nicholas walk beside us with tangible reminders of our love for him. We have quickly learned that memories are the precious gifts of the heart. That the memories we have of him, the memories we continue to create in his honour help us in our healing journey.

The following quote details a grieving parent's journey in a profound and poignant way:

" Parental grief is boundless. It touches every aspect of [a] parent's being...When a baby dies, parents grieve for the rest of their lives. Their grief becomes part of them...As time passes, parents come to appreciate that grief is [their] link to the child, [their] grief keeps [them] connected to the child"
- ARNOLD AND GEMMA, IN CORR ET AL. 1996, 50-51

It is a forever journey. A journey I would never have expected to have to live. Not that I felt that my family was exempt from such heartache, but because most people never allow their mind to go to such devastation. And yet, here we are, living with a void in our family constellation.

Having said that, there seems to be a fine line between the original conviction that we must hold onto the burden of grief in order to honour our child, and remembering to love and value our children in positive ways. I am fiercely protective of Nicholas' memory, just as I am fiercely protective of my other children's safety and well-being. I always will be. That is what mothers do. I remind my heart daily that there are wonderful ways to pay tribute to our sweet boy, Nicholas. That there are tangible ways to release the burden of pain and still love him unconditionally, creatively and generously.

Another moving quote;

" Probably the most stressful and anxiety-provoking act in human existence is the separation of a woman from her newborn infant. The response to this, which humans share with most of the animal kingdom, is an overwhelming combination of panic, rage, and distress"
- RUSKIN, IN HORCHLER AND MORRIS 1994,16

The "panic, rage and distress" that was deeply experienced in the moments, hours, days, weeks and months after losing Nicholas still creeps up on me every now and again. I still feel the anxiety, I still feel completely helpless and overwhelmed at every day life. for the most part, I've learned to live with these changes. The blueprint that was me...has changed. The experiences we have endured are intrinsically entrenched in my soul... embedded in my heart and, most days, I choose to believe that those changes have allowed me to be a better person, a better mommy, a better wife, a better daughter, a better friend...

And so, here we are, 2 years and 3 months later. There are times when, subconsciously, my mind goes to the darkest places; the "children are not supposed to die" kind of places... and then I look at his peaceful picture... I kiss my surviving children... and I remember who I am. I am a woman who will forever live with a burden in her heart, but I am also a woman who will forever live with joy in her soul.

Sharing...

2011-02-08T10:25:00.000-05:00

Parental grief is boundless. It touches every aspect of [a] parent's being...When a baby dies, parents grieve for the rest of their lives. Their grief becomes part of them...As time passes, parents come to appreciate that grief is [their] link to the child, [their] grief keeps [them] connected to the child. - ARNOLD AND GEMMA, IN CORR ET AL. 1996, 50-51

Goodnight, Gramma

2011-02-02T20:30:00.003-05:00

It is with sadness and a strong sense of peace that I announce my Gramma Moo's passing. She will always be such a beautiful presence in my life. We love you, Gramma. Say 'hi' to Grampa and please give Nicholas big squeezes for us.

xx
Nan

Grandma "Moo"

2011-01-26T14:27:00.002-05:00

When I was a little girl my Grandma and Grandpa "Moo" (on my dad's side) lived on a big, beautiful farm. Hence, the reason for "Moo". This is how a differentiated between both sets of Grandparents. They have always been Grandma and Grandpa Moo to our family. A funny little endearment only we and close friends understand.

My Grandpa Moo passed away in July of 2002.

My Grandma Moo currently lives in a nursing home and is nearing the end of her beautiful life.

I went to see her this past weekend and hardly recognized her. My sweet, kind-hearted, gentle Grandma Moo, slowly slipping away. It was tough. The nurses had her sitting up, trying to eat lunch, but she wasn't awake. She's tired, so, so tired. Her hands are clenched and she struggles to communicate. She knew I was there. She knew that I whispered "I love you" in her ear. She groaned when I mentioned certain people's names. She's frustrated. She wants to go.... I have benn praying ever since that she goes peacefully. I want her to fall into a peaceful, wonderous sleep and just not wake up. I want her to be at peace. I want it to gentle.

I want her to be reunited with my Grandpa again.

I want her to meet Nicholas...

The doctor's say that it is only a matter of days... my heart aches.

Sweet dreams my beautiful Grandma Moo. You will always have such a special place in my heart.

Your Papa

2011-01-14T11:19:00.003-05:00

Hey Buddy,

As you know, one of your Papa's very dear friend's passed away a few days ago. He fought a long and difficult battle with cancer. His death is tragic and it has hit your Papa pretty hard. It's so heartbreaking to watch someone you love in so much emotional pain.

Nicholas, you and Papa have a strong connection. He shared so much beautiful time with you and he loves you. He needs you, buddy. He needs your guidance... your presence... your serenity.

Please watch over him. Love him. Let him know you are near.

Thank you, sweetie.

Mommy's Sorry

2011-01-14T10:13:00.002-05:00

Dear Nicholas,

I have been thinking so much about you the last few days. I mean, you are always on my mind, but this has been something more. You are such an inspiration to me and I feel like I have been letting you down lately. The holidays were super busy and hockey with your brothers seems to have consumed us. I often joke these days that if you can't find me at home, check your local arena! It is fantastic though. I really enjoy being a "hockey mom" and I am so proud of your brothers and how far they have come.

Your daddy lit your candle the other night and I cried. You are never far from his thoughts either, sweet boy. I hadn't lit your candle for a few nights, either because we weren't home or because I got too caught up in the hustle and bustle of daily life. I had just been thinking that we had been neglecting you.....

I'm sorry. We used to light your candle religiously... all of the time. A simple reminder that you are always with us.... always shining your little spark of hope. Your 'spot' in our home is as special and as sacred as the place you hold in our hearts and when it's lit up, well, it's magic.

I have gotten behind on the Angel Wings too. I get so many requests, which is heartbreaking in itself. It's been difficult to keep up. The Angel Wings Project is my dedication to you. It's your legacy... and I have been slacking. I'm sorry for that too, baby. I am getting back on track and can see the light again. The boutique will stay strong in your honour.

I think these are some of the reasons my heart has been a little heavy. In general I dream about you and talk about you with joy and pride. It's sometimes a challenge to remember all of the good that you are without being dragged down with the horrifying memories and moments of the weeks leading to your debut. Sometimes I wonder how we are still standing after going through such heartbreaking events.... but then I remember holding you and kissing you and loving you beyond words, so worth it.

So, when I close my eyes tonight, I hope for peace in my heart.

Love you, Nicholas.

Mommy xoxo

Elixr of Hope

2011-01-03T14:17:00.003-05:00

..."transforming the pain of grief into the elixir of hope"...

I saw this quote, written by Simon Stephens, founder of The Compassionate Friends, and it made me think. It sparked some thoughts, some emotions, which may have not been put into words otherwise.

As far back as I can remember I have wanted to work in a job with some meaning. A job where I could help others, lend out my heart and be a comfort to those who needed support.

I remember a particular conversation with my parents way back when about what I wanted to be when I grew up. I was looking into universities and majors and I remember distinctly talking about social work. I was set on doing something "worthy". Something that may make a difference in other people's lives.

My parents gently steered me away from social work. I know why they did it. I understand why they did it and I even agree. It would be a terribly, emotionally taxing occupation. One in which my heart would be broken daily.

I actually decided to study Industrial Relations/Human Resources in University. The sort of 'business' side of working with and helping others. For many years I have enjoyed it and although my husband and I have chosen that I stay at home with the kids for a few years, I plan on getting back into the work force someday. I often wish I didn't have to work to "make a living". Volunteering would be my dream job.

Who would have known my life would take the kind of path it has. Not only did losing Nicholas catapult me into the depths of despair for many months, it also made me realize that I could take my grief and make it mean something more than just pain and heartache.

I don't even remember how the Angel Wings Memorial Boutique came to be exactly. I just remember thinking that I needed to channel my grief somewhere. I needed to do something tangible to honour my son. I needed to have something to hang on to. A project to love and emerse myself in. A project that would offer love, comfort and support to others experiencing such a horrific loss.

The rest is history. The Angel Wings Memorial Boutique has exploded into a worldwide service. And as sad as it is to see a new name, a new precious baby pop up in my inbox, the fact that I may be able to help honour these children and comfort their parents along the way soothes my soul.

I got my wish. I have been able to create a "job" for myself that helps others. I am satisfying my lifelong desire to offer guidance and understanding. It goes without saying that I truly wish I didn't understand this type of pain, but I am honoured to be able to reach out and lend support.

Here's to "transforming the pain of grief into the elixir of hope"...

Here's to a "hopeful" New Year.

Love,
Lea

Happy Holiday

2010-12-24T10:13:00.002-05:00

As much as I really wanted to send every one of you a Christmas card this year, it became an impossible task.

So, instead, I am hoping you stop by and read my Christmas wish for you:

In the silver hush
of a starry winter's night..
in the song of the wind
in the evergreens...
in the gentle grace
of snowflakes as they fall ~
the whispered promise
of God's heavenly peace.

May the peace and love of the first Christmas
be yours today and always.

May you feel your Angel's close by this holiday season.

Love,
Lea

Your Sister's "Happy 1!"

2010-12-21T14:52:00.013-05:00

We celebrated Madison's First Birthday on Saturday (or as her oldest brother used to say, her "Happy 1!")

Mommy's attempt at a Birthday cake!

She was her usual, beautiful, Little Miss Sunshine self... dressed in her party dress.

She loved her balloons!

More interested in the tissue paper!

Mommy and Maddie

Mmmmm...my cake!

Madison's first "tu-tu".... "tu" cute!

For Maddie's very own Guardian Angel, brother, Nicholas .... xx

Overwhelming

2010-12-16T08:53:00.004-05:00

Wow.

Just, wow.

The response I have received with regards to making this space private continues to be overwhelming. I am honoured and humbled by the fact that Nicholas' precious, little life has touched so many. That by sharing our stories of heartache as well as our blessings of hope we have comforted some of the hearts of other grieving families.

It is what makes this unbearable journey of missing our son, a little more bearable. A little more peaceful. It makes the burden of grief a little lighter...

I am going to "re-think" making Nicholas' Touch private. There are a few reasons I had chosen to go this route, however, I am feeling more and more that the opportunity to reach out and help others who are experiencing the death of a child trumps any other reasons I may have... one of which is the need to protect my heart. The desire to protect my family from disrespect and judgement. But, you know what... we can handle it. We can pretty much handle anything after the things we have been through. If Nicholas' Touch can offer some support to others while helping me heal... that is the way I want it.

Nicholas' Touch is raw and honest. I speak from my heart and I am proud of it. I am proud of Nicholas. I document my feelings on this journey because I don't want to forget.

I use this space to honour our son. To allow his legacy to soar. To share our story in hopes of making someone else' a little easier to bare. To maybe help someone else realize that they are not alone. That their feelings of despair, anger, hatred, love, gratitude, horror, jealousy, anticipation..... that they are all real and all very natural in the process of healing. That there is some hope. That there is a glimmer of light at the end of a very dark tunnel.

Thank you all so much for your interest and for your support. Thank you for reminding me why I am thankful to have you all in my life....and why this platform is so important for reaching out to "our" community.

Oh, and stay tuned.

Love,
Lea

Beaten, But Not Beat

2010-12-15T14:04:00.003-05:00

I've been meaning to post for a while now. There are so many words, feelings, non-feelings, flying around in my head it's difficult to get it together enough to write anything worth while.

I just wanted to let you all know that I am okay... I think.

Since our latest loss I have been moving on auto pilot. Sheltered by shock. Consumed with grief. Busy beyond words....

I am thankful for "busy". Busy planning birthday parties. Busy planning Christmas. Busy enjoying the kids excitement. Busy trying to convince myself that I am 'okay' when my heart is constantly telling me that I am simply not 'okay'.

Since losing our "Blossom" I have been overwhelmed with thoughts of Nicholas. Not that I don't think of him often. I think of him all the time. I think of him when I look into our oldest son's eyes... they would be so alike. I often think of him and smile.. with peace and a subtle understanding that only he and I share.

This is different. Since our latest loss, I feel like the raw pain has returned to some degree. The ache of desperately wanting to feel the weight of his tiny, little body in my arms again has surfaced and the tears of grief fill my eyes.

When I returned home from the hospital two weeks ago. After the D&C, I was pretty high on morphine. That night was terrible. I fell asleep in my husband's arms and woke up terrified every half hour.... sweating... screaming. The only thing that came out of my mouth was "they took our baby"... "they took our baby"... Although very different, the feelings were similar. Although there was nothing to hold.. there are memories. There will always be memories. Plans. Love.

We've been beat down... again, but we won't be beaten.

We've been shaken to the core... again, but we will steady ourselves.

Our strength is being tested... again, but we will be strong.

Love and peace to you all and thank you to all who have shown interest in continuing on our journey.

Lea xx

Private

2010-12-13T14:14:00.002-05:00

I have decided to make Nicholas' Touch private. If you are interested in following our journey, please send me an email and I will add you to my permissions.

lcreeves3@hotmail.com

Thank you,
Lea

Perfect

2010-12-11T17:04:00.002-05:00

A good friend of the family's brother passed away a couple of days ago. He was very sick and faced an extremely brave battle with cancer. My heart is with them.

His sister had this quote posted on her facebook page. It actually took my breath away. Beautifully poetic. Perfect.

"When great souls die, our reality, bound to them, takes leave of us. Our minds formed and informed by their radiance, fall away.....And when great souls die, after a period, peace blooms, slowly and always irregularly. Our senses, restored, never to be the same, whisper to us. They existed. We can be. Be and be better. For they existed".

Maya Angelou

Winners!

2010-12-03T14:09:00.002-05:00

Thank you to all who participated in my giveaway. I had my husband choose a number between 1 - 19 (19 comments) this morning and I am happy to announce that the winner is....

HOLLY!

Holly, I think I have your address correct, but could you send me a quick email to confirm? I will begin working on Carleigh's ornament now! Congratulations!

I also noticed some unfamiliar names in the comments. Thank you for taking the time to stop by. If you haven't yet received Angel Wings from me and would like a pair for your Angel, please message me. The first two names that appear in my inbox will get some....

lcreeves3@hotmail.com

Thank you and love to you all,
Lea

25 Days of Giveaways!

2010-12-01T14:35:00.004-05:00

Today is the second day of 25 Days Of Giveaways, and I'm honoured to be taking part.

Thank you to Tina for taking the time to put this together!

My give away is going to be somewhat of a surprise. It will be an ornament. For your tree, for your Holiday Decor or just to be hung in a special spot in memory of your Angel. I'd like to customize the ornament for the winner.

This give away is open to all babyloss parents, all around the world. Please say hello in the comments, let me know your Angel's name and things you associate with him/her and I will handcraft a little something for you.

Wishing you all a peaceful and comforting Holiday Season...

Love,
Lea

Heartbroken... again

2010-11-30T11:09:00.004-05:00

Firstly, thank you all for your love and support when I asked for it... and even when I don't. I feel such a strong connection to all of you and am truly grateful to have you in my life.

It's been a roller coaster of emotions the last couple of weeks.

We found out we were pregnant.

It was a HUGE shock and I struggled with the news for a couple of days.

I appreciate that some of you reading would be overjoyed with such news. I realize that there are many of you battling infertility and praying for a live, healthy baby in your arms. Please know that I, too, pray for you daily. To you, my words may sound harsh, but I must be true to myself.

I struggled with the news because it was a complete and utter surprise. We had been extremely careful... I honestly didn't know where I was going to come up with the strength to, emotionally, make it through another pregnancy. I barely made it through Madison's without losing it with worry, panic, etc...

Then it sunk in. I began to accept the fact that we had been blessed, yet again. Blessed to be chosen to be this little "blossom's" parents. Blessed to experience the deepest love on earth.... again.

We started making plans. Our current house is not quite equipped for another baby. We needed to do some "juggling"... some rearranging. It was going to work. I could see the future.

Madison was going to have a baby brother or sister so close in age. A best friend for life, no questions asked. An unbreakable sibling bond.

Then, the unthinkable...

We lost the baby.

I began spotting last Wednesday. And then cramping. I headed for the ER on Saturday. Had an ultrasound, some blood work. My Beta levels were okay. There was "something" detected in my uterus... but no heartbeat. I was told to come back in two days... Monday. The bleeding increasingly got worse and worse over the weekend and by Monday I was in a lot of pain. Went back to emerg...

"Fetal Demise"... another two words in the english language I'll never forget. I was suffering a miscarriage and there was nothing I could do to stop it.

The bathroom became my enemy the last couple of days. Every time I would go I wondered just which part of our baby I was going to expel this time.... horrible, I know, but the truth.

I had a D&C yesterday. It's over. Done. And I'm left at a loss again.

This time around it's a little easier to convince myself that "things happen for a reason". With Nicholas, I will never accept that. There will never be a good enough reason that our youngest son isn't here... playing with his brothers, protecting his sister. This time, I have to believe that something must have been wrong. I have to believe that our "blossom" didn't make it because he or she wouldn't have been able to make it on their own. If that is the case, then I am grateful that "blossom" will never feel any pain... will never know anything but love and security from his/her mommy and daddy. I am grateful that he/she has Nicholas to welcome them...

We even played around with some names...

Cole Kenneth - boy
Cassie Christine - girl

And now, rest. For the body, heart and soul.

We will, yet again, pick up the pieces and focus on the positive.

We will remember "Blossom" and what could have been...

Loved you from the beginning, little one.

Sleep well and shine bright.

Mommy xx

Prayers & Strength

2010-11-28T10:43:00.001-05:00

Morning Friends,

Not many words today and not enough strength to explain, but I would really appreciate prayers and strength sent our way.

I can always count on you.

Love,
Lea

To My Mommy & Daddy

2010-11-21T20:43:00.002-05:00

I just came across this letter posted on Dana's blog.... thought I'd share.

True perfection.

Dear Mommy and Daddy,

I know this is a rough time for you so I will be as gentle as I can be. First of all, thank you for so many tears, particularly those shared with another that you love. They are a gift to me, a precious tribute to your investment in us. As you do your mourning, do it at your pace only. Don't let anybody suggest that you do your grief work at someone else's timetable.

Do whatever it takes to face directly the reality of what has happened, even though you may need to pause frequently and yearn for my return. Do this with courage and my blessings. Know that sometimes inertia is the only movement possible. Give your best to keeping a balance between remembering me and renewing your commitments to life.

It's okay with me if you go through minutes, hours and even days not thinking of me. I know that you'll never forget. Losing me and grabbing hold of a new meaning in your life is a delicate art. I'm not sure if one comes before the other or not, maybe it's a combination.

Be with people who accept you as you are. Mention my name out loud and if they don't make hasty retreat, they're probably excellent candidates for friendship.

If, by a remote possiblilty, you think that there is anything you could have done for me and didn't, I forgive you. Resentment does not abide here, only love.

You know how people sometimes ask you how many children you have? Well, I am still yours and you are still my mother. Always acknowledge that with tenderness, unless to do so would fall on insensitive ears or would be painful to you.

I know how you feel inside. Read, even though your tears anoint the pages. In Henri Nowens' book "Out of Solitude" he writes, "the friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair and confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not healing, and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares."

I want you to know that I am okay and that I have sent you messages to ease your pain. They come in the form of flowers that bloom out of season, birds singing, voices and visions and sometimes through your friends and even strangers who volunteer as angels.

Stay open but don't expect the overly dramatic. You will get what you need and it may be simple as an internal feeling of peace. You are not crazy, you have been comforted.

Please seek out people bereaved longer than you. They are tellers of truth, and if they have done their grief work, they are an inspiration and a beacon of hope for you.

There are still funny things happening in our world. It delights me to no end to hear your spontaneous laughter.

Mommy and Daddy, I will always be in your heart. Today I will light a candle for you. When you light your candle for me their light will shine above the darkness.

Love,

Your Baby

Author unknown

Nicholas' Race #2

2010-11-17T20:47:00.012-05:00

Hey Everyone,

It's been a while... our computer broke down... had to be fixed... it's back and now it's time for....

Catch up!

I have been wanting to post about Nicholas' 2nd Angel Day for a couple of weeks now.

We drove up North to our cottage on the Friday night. It snowed like crazy the entire trip up! My husband and I just kept hoping that it was getting it out of it's system for Saturday and the race.

It was.

We woke up, November 6, 2010, to a breathtaking sunrise over the lake.

It was cold, so we layered, and layered, and layered.

We picked up 15 blue and white balloons on the way to the Race that morning.

Everyone took a turn scribbling messages to Nicholas.

We are so proud of everyone who participated in the race itself... including Nicholas' daddy!

I made ladybug cupcakes as a treat for after the race.

Then we released the balloons......

And something truly magical happened....

Can you see the "N" formation?

My beautiful sis-in-law captured this shot.

It continues to take my breath away....

All in all, the day was perfect. Positive. Heartwarming. Emotional. Beautiful.

We were comforted by the presence of family and friends who have shared in our journey. Who have been there through thick and thin. Who continue to be there in the joys and the sorrow.

Nicholas was there too. I know it. I felt his hand on my heart the entire day. He held me up. Kept me warm. Blew me Angel Kisses. He even sent me a ladybug ;)

And now... Presenting "Team Nicholas"

"Happy 2", Nicholas

2010-11-07T14:23:00.001-05:00

Reeves, Nicholas Warren

November 7, 2008

"How quietly he tiptoed into our world.
Softly, only for a moment.
But what an imprint his footprints
have left upon our hearts"

Missing and remembering you always, baby boy.

"Happy 2"

Love,
Mommy, Daddy, Evan, Kyle and Madison.
xxxxx

Loving and Remembering

2010-11-04T15:02:00.001-04:00

Our Precious Time With Nicholas - Memorial Video

Nicholas' Touch - A Poem

2010-11-02T11:10:00.004-04:00

Nicholas’ Touch – Two Years

Two years ago
You touched our lives,
Then flew high with a piece of our hearts.
You tiptoed in,
Quiet and pure…
And now we’re never apart.

Your legacy has grown and grown,
You’ve flown across the world.
I love to know you’ve gone so far,
Your soul has truly soared.

The pain of having you not here,
Softens day by day.
We wish that you walked right next to us,
But know you couldn’t stay.

You have work to do, our sweet boy,
Fly high and keep us safe.
We dream of holding you again,
And kissing your sweet face.

A little boy you would be,
Rambunctious and full of fun.
Although that’s not the way it is,
You’re an Angel above the sun.

Two years ago we met you,
We touched and kissed your face.
Two years ago we held you,
In a strong and long embrace.

We think of you so often,
Of what you could have been.
We dream of your reflection,
Of what you could have seen.

We’re grateful for your strength, my boy
You’ve taught us all so much.
Happy birthday, Nicholas,
Thank you for your touch.

Love you baby boy,
Mommy
November 7, 2010

Do you believe in magic...?

2010-10-26T10:00:00.003-04:00

I literally just finished posting Two Years yesterday and went out to get the kids off the bus.... there was a little bit of "magic" on my windshield. Thank God for the little comforts.

Do you believe in magic...?

I do.

xx

Two Years

2010-10-25T14:34:00.002-04:00

November 7th is creeping up. Ever so slowly. Painfully slow...

I feel my heart aching more. I feel my muscles involuntarily getting tighter and tighter. I feel the tears stinging the back of my eyes, more ready to spill out. I feel the knot in my tummy continually churning. I feel my patience running thin...

Being somewhat of a veteran of this grieving mother journey, I am well aware that these feelings are quite normal. That the anniversaries are, for some reason, especially difficult. That the memories and the ache seem to be brought back to the forefront only on a much grander scale then the everyday grief that comes with mourning your child.

We remember Nicholas on a daily basis. We speak his name often. We are proud to call him our son, brother... but this is different. The anticipation of 'celebrating' his second Angel Day, without him, is tearing me apart all over again.

It is so incredibly hard to believe that it has been 2 years....

Two years filled with every kind of emotion imaginable.

Two years of mourning our son.

Two years of parenting Nicholas' siblings through their grief.

Two years of desperately trying to find some joy.

Two years of a subsequent pregnancy and being blessed with our fourth, beautiful child.

Two years of trying to understand and support each other as husband and wife.

Two years of navigating through insurmountable guilt as a mother.

Two years of raw, indescribable pain and two years of pure bliss.

I wouldn't change a thing.

We are who we are today because of our experiences. A big part of who we are as a family unit is because of Nicholas and what he has taught us.

I am who I am today because of our youngest son's legacy. His short, little life has touched me more than words can express. As sad and overwhelmed as I am some days... my life has been enriched. Enriched is so many ways. Nicholas has given me the strength and courage to fight. Fight for our family. Fight for our love. He has opened doors of opportunity for me to help other parents who are experiencing this torturess road. With each pair of Angel Wings I send out, I am honoured to know that I am offering a little bit of comfort in my son's memory. Nicholas has "flown" to so many places and it warms my heart to know that he is remembered by so many.

And so, as I not so eagerly await for November 7, I remember and reflect. I thank God for my life and all of the true blessings in it.

Angel Wings Cards Now Has A Button!

2010-10-21T16:59:00.001-04:00

Hi Everyone!

Angel Wings Cards now has a button! Please feel free to grab it from the sidebar!

Thank you,

Honouring Nicholas

2010-10-19T13:41:00.003-04:00

Many of you may remember that last year we participated in a "Dirty Duathalon" on Nicholas' first Angel Day, November 7. Well, with the help of the same wonderful friends we will be taking part in the event again. I am so incredibly grateful to have such a positive focus in the days approaching Nicholas' Angel Day. They seem to be the most difficult. This week, two years ago, was when we received the devastating news about our baby boy.... the memories really hurt too much to remember. Having the Race to look forward to and honouring our boy helps immensely. Not only that, we hope to help some families and babies in need at our local hospital along the way.

The following is the letter I have distributed to family and friends who have walked beside us on this journey;

October 7, 2010

Dear Family and Friends,

It’s very hard to believe that Nicholas’ 2nd Angel Day is fast approaching. He is remembered warmly each and every day. The raw pain of not having him here, with us, has softened slightly. His spirit and his legacy have infused our family with indomitable strength and immeasurable love over the past 2 years. The journey is a long and difficult one as we continue to heal, but, there is never any question that we are forever grateful to have known Nicholas. He has enriched our family immensely.

Many of you will remember that last year, on November 7, 2009, our dear friends, Marcus and Meagan Olson participated in a duathalon in honour of our baby boy. The day was beautiful and perfect. We were so thankful to have such a wonderful and positive focus on what was an extremely emotional day. This year, on November 6, 2010, we will again be participating in the same duathalon and dedicating the day to Nicholas. We are very blessed to have such a wonderful support system.

This year we would like to invite anyone who is interested in being a part of “Team Nicholas” to participate. Marcus will be racing in both the long (3.8K Run – 10K Bike – 3.8K Run) and the short (1.9k Run-5k Bike-1.9k Run) course. Nicholas’ Daddy, Jim, and Meagan will be pairing up on the long course.

The duathalon will be held on Saturday, November 6, 2010 at Sir Sanford Fleming College in Peterborough, Ontario. The course is completely off road and is a mix of single track and open trails. If you are interested in participating please contact myself or Marc and Meagan directly. There is certainly power in numbers and we look forward to another inspiring day!

Last year we invited family and friends to donate to a very special campaign for parents and babies at Mt. Sinai Hospital (where we met and said goodbye to our son, Nicholas). We were overwhelmed with the response and incredibly touched to be able to help so many other families in Nicholas’ name.

This year we have chosen a heartfelt initiative closer to home. Southlake hospital in Newmarket, Ontario is where Nicholas was scheduled to be born and where our other three children were born. We have had nothing but positive and memorable experiences during our stays there. Both Evan and Madison spent some time in the NICU and were nurtured with exceptional care. It is for these reasons and many more that our family has decided to support Southlake’s Neonatal Intensive Care Unit this year.

Jim, Evan, Kyle, our latest, beautiful blessing, Madison and I would like to invite you to support “Team Nicholas” in honour of our son, Nicholas Warren Reeves, on November 6, 2010.

By making a donation, in Nicholas’ name, to Southlake Regional Health Center’s Neonatal Intensive Care Unit , you will be helping us celebrate Nicholas’ life, honouring his memory and supporting the many families and babies’ in need of urgent, excellent care.

Every donation provides hope. Every gift is precious.

Below are both the links to the “Dirty Duathalon” (registration information, cost, etc.) and Nicholas’ Honorary page at Southlake Regional Health Center.

Dirty Duathalon – please copy and paste link into your browser

http://runnerslife.ca/xnew/html/modules/newbbex/viewtopic.php?topic_id=2670&post_id=9785&order=0&viewmode=flat&pid=0&forum=1#forumpost9785

Nicholas’ Honourary Page at Southlake Regional Health Center – Please copy and paste the link in your browser : ENTER “TEAM NICHOLAS” in Keywords and “NOVEMBER 6, 2010” in date: CLICK “SEARCH” and then “VIEW”AT BOTTOM OF PAGE: This will take you directly to Nicholas’ Donation Page

https://www.southlakefoundation.ca/eventbuilder/event.aspx

We thank you, from the bottom of our hearts, for taking the time to consider remembering our precious Nicholas in such a special way.

With Gratitude,

Marcus, Meagan, Noah and Finnley Olson

&

Leanna, Jim ,Evan, Kyle, Madison and Angel Baby Nicholas Reeves

Our Wave of Light

2010-10-18T14:45:00.002-04:00

As we all know, Friday, October 15 was Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. I think about Nicholas... dream of holding him... imagine our life with him running around... each and every day. Friday was no different.

The day was busy, as usual... the evening was emotional. The connection we all have seemed palpable to me. I felt like I could reach out and grab some strength and love from each of you. Although our reason for "meeting" is no less than devastating, the bond we share as grieving parents is as strong as our love for our babies. Thank you for being there in some of my darkest days.

My husband and I talked at length about Nicholas that night. We often do, but that night was different. He shared some things with me that he never has before.... We cried, we remembered, we reflected, we gave thanks for all of the blessings that we have.

We love you baby boy.

Happy Fall, Sweetheart

2010-10-18T09:58:00.001-04:00

Always in our hearts.... xx

Remembering

2010-10-15T09:46:00.003-04:00

I sit here with tears burning my eyes, a gigantic lump in my throat and a hole in my heart as I read all of your tributes to our precious babies. To be honest, sometimes I still can't fathom that I even know about today. That today, October 15, is Infant and Pregnancy Loss Awareness Day. I am heartbroken, yet, so incredibly honoured to be a part of such an amazing union of mommies. Thank you for your friendship. Thank you for your love.

Today we join forces. Today our hearts will connect. Today we will support each other and remember our Angels proudly.

Nicholas' candle will be burning brightly today. For him and for all of his friends who left us much too soon.

xx

New Blog Button

2010-10-14T14:22:00.001-04:00

Hi Everyone,

It has come to my attention that my Nicholas' Touch blog button has been spammed for some reason. I have re-done it (sidebar) if you would like to replace the old link.

Sorry and thank you!

Wave of Light - Remembering Our Babies

2010-10-14T14:00:00.002-04:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kqesMK6cd0o

Incompatible with Life: An Impossible Choice

2010-10-07T20:38:00.001-04:00

This is an article featured in one of my bereavement newsletters. Hit home...

Incompatible with Life: An Impossible Choice

When an expecting couple learns that their child has medical complications that will render the infant unable to live outside of the womb, it is a devastating trauma. To be faced with the option of terminating the pregnancy, or continuing the pregnancy knowing their baby will only live briefly – if at all – is a terrible experience. The psychological consequences of this impossible choice have been examined in the hopes of helping families to heal in the aftermath
of this tragic type of loss.

While most research has focused on the mothers, recently attention has also been given to fathers. In a majority of couples, partners make the decision together to terminate the pregnancy. As a result, medical termination is a significant life event for both parents.

Many couples heal after medical termination, working through the grief of this decision. Others however, struggle with complicated grief, post-traumatic stress symptoms and depression long after the loss. Factors that seem to contribute to the healing journeys of parents who have experienced a loss through medical termination include an earlier gestational age at the time of termination, the diagnosis of incompatibility with life and having older children.
These circumstances influence our feelings about the loss
as does the acceptance of family and friends.

Perhaps more significantly, the research shows that mothers and fathers do not differ very much in their response to the loss. Both partners experience the same grief and pain. What does happen in many couples is a pattern whereby one partner is deeper in grief
while the other is coping better for a time, and then their positions switch. This is important for couples to understand, because
so often we feel isolated in our grief. If we are in the depths of
despair and our partner appears to be carrying on business
as usual, we feel alone and stuck.

In the aftermath of pregnancy loss through medical termination, it is critical for couples to understand these dynamics: both parents are suffering, though your partner may not appear to be in sync with you.

By talking about your feelings together and seeking support
together, you can realize the truth of these differences and support each other in an accepting manner. When this mutual understanding and support is present, the relationship is strengthened
even in the face of such terrible loss.

Korenromp, M.J., Page-Christiaens, G.C.M.L., van den Bout, J., Mulder, E.J.H., Hunfeld, J.A.M., Bilardo, C.M., Offermans, J.P.M. & Visser, G.H.A. (2005). Psychological complications of termination of pregnancy for fetal anomaly: similarities and differences between partners.
Prenatal Diagnosis 25, 1225-1233.

A New Launch ~ Angel Wings Cards ~ Messages of Love & Support

2010-10-05T15:35:00.001-04:00

Thank you all so much for your encouraging words about trying something new at The Boutique. I think we are ready to launch our new idea!

Emalee at Everything Is Coming Up Daisies and I have joined forces and created the Angel Wings Cards ~ Messages of Love & Support and we hope you can spread the word.

Our goal is to reach out to the supporters of bereaved parents and families. We, as grieving parents know all too well how difficult it is to find cards, sentiments or momentos to express love and support after a child dies. It is close to impossible to find anything to commemorate the anniversary of a baby's death and it seems even harder to find expressions for multiple losses or miscarriage.

Often loved one's struggle over ways to reach out and show that they care. At Angel Wings Cards ~ Messages of Love & Support we hope to provide some direction during those difficult times.

Please share the link.

It is a work in progress.... we will continually be adding and readjusting.

With hope and love,

The Angel Wings Boutique has transformed!

2010-10-05T15:04:00.000-04:00

A BIG thank you to Franchesca at Small Bird Studio for creating the Angel Wings Memorial Boutique's new layout! I truly love it and I hope you do too. My goal is to make this space as peaceful and comforting as possible as we travel through some of the most difficult days of our lives.

Love and strength to you all!

Some Pics and A Special Guest

2010-10-04T18:59:00.005-04:00

We had some family photos done on the weekend... I really like how they turned out. These are photos of the photos (the disc was $100.00 extra to buy! No, thank you)

Am I going crazy... what is that at the top of the picture? I took 2 of these shots simultaneously... this is the only one like it. I would like to think Nicholas was joining his siblings..... sigh.... :)

A Butterfly Day

2010-09-27T13:47:00.008-04:00

A butterfly lights beside us like a sunbeam. For a brief moment, its glory and beauty belong to our world, but then it flies on again. Although we wish it could have stayed, we feel so lucky to have seen it.
~ Author Unknown

I went to a butterfly release on Saturday. It was beautiful, it was soothing, it was comforting, it was draining. It also was a completely different experience than I had anticipated.

I attended the release with a very special BLM, Linda . Her baby boy's second Angel Day was Sunday so I thought that the Butterfly Release was the perfect opportunity to honour her son.

The morning was cool and cloudy... a typical fall day in Ontario. However, as soon as the ceremony began the clouds broke up and the sun shone down, just in time to warm up our butterflies.

The entire experience was very humbling. I had expected the butterflies to take off as soon as they were released, barely giving us time for pictures. I couldn't have been more wrong.

They were beautiful, magnificent and truly a symbol of comfort and peace as they clung to our hands, flitted quietly in the air around us and landed gracefully on the flowers before they took off again.

We got some really nice shots of "Nicholas" and "Jackson" together.

It was an experience I won't soon forget.

Memorable, just like our babies.

New Idea For The Angel Wings Boutique

2010-09-24T15:03:00.001-04:00

Hello Everyone,

I have been thinking of adding another option to The Angel Wings Memorial Boutique and would like your input!

As many of us know there doesn't seem to be a lot on the market in terms of cards, messages or special gifts for those wishing to show their support to grieving parents. Often the supporters grasp for ways to show they care.

For a small donation, I would like to offer simple messages of love and comfort to accompany a pair of Angel Wings. These messages can be anything from offering support after an early loss, to sending words of compassion as a loved one celebrates the first, second, third year anniversary of their child's passing. I expect to add and alter categories as I am contacted.

I envision a "scrapbook style" note that can either be attached to a pair of wings or just simply slipped in the envelope as a message of love.

I value all of your opinions and support so much. Any ideas, suggestions or words of wisdom would be appreciated!

This Year

2010-09-09T14:30:00.003-04:00

In the past few weeks I have been asked on different occasions how I am feeling as Nicholas' 2nd Angel Day approaches.

"Are you feeling better than last year?"

"Is the pain still as intense?"

I have struggled with the answer to these questions. My initial reaction is that I don't know. I find it very difficult to quantify what I am feeling most days. My heart tells me one thing and my brain tells me the opposite. Just when I think I am calm and enjoying everything that is a miracle in our life, something triggers a memory and I am catapulted back to our darkest, most horrifying memories of losing our son.

There are days when I can honestly say that I am not feeling quite as anxious this year. I am not feeling quite as sad. I am not feeling quite as overwhelmed. I have settled. My heart feels some peace alongside the ache. My faith is beginning to rise again. The joy is comfortably mingling with the grief.

Don't get me wrong, I do feel these things, actually, I feel a million and one different things when it comes to this journey on a daily basis, I just feel them differently this year. I now know (from last years experience) that the anticipation of the day is much more traumatic than the day itself. I know (from last years experience) that we want to mark Nicholas' day by doing something special for him and other Angels because that is what makes my heart feel good. I know (from last years experience) that we want to keep busy. We need a plan. We want to remember and love Nicholas, but we want to be busy and focus on doing something positive to honour him and what he means to our family. I also know that my tummy does flip flops just trying to fathom the fact that it has almost been two years since we held our precious boy.

We have healed tremendously from those early months. Our family is strong. Our love is good. We are blessed beyond belief.

This journey we are on is beyond treacherous. It is cyclical. It is linear. It is bumpy and it is smooth. It is most definitely painful and scarring, but, I dare say that sooner or later there is a glimpse of light at the end of the tunnel. Light that only you can touch. Light that often only you can see. Reach for it and remember that it's there when those bad days arise. Remember that it will shine again, when you are ready.

Two years later I definitely have had some radiant light shine on my life. I truly believe that Nicholas has been an integral part of that. He is a huge source of strength for me, for us. He will guide us through the next few weeks with as much ease and grace as possible.

I count on it.

Poem

2010-09-09T09:07:00.001-04:00

This poem just came in on one of my Bereavement Newsletters ~ pretty profound.

We are connected,
My child and I,
By an invisible cord,
Not seen by the eye.

It's not like the cord
That connects us 'til birth
This cord can't be seen
By any on earth.

This cord does its work
Right from the start.
It binds us together
Attached to my heart.

I know that it's there
Though no one can see
The invisible cord
From my child to me.

The strength of this cord
Man could create
It withstands the test
Can hold any weight.

And though you are gone,
Though you're not here with me,
The cord is still there
But no one can see.

It pulls at my heart
I am bruised.. I am sore,
But this cord is my lifeline
As never before.

I am thankful that God
Connects us this way
A mother and child
Death can't take away!

Author unknown

The "7th"

2010-09-07T14:27:00.003-04:00

Happy "7th" of the month, buddy.

22 months without you in our arms.

22 months with you in our hearts.

We love you more every day.

Thank you to Emmy at Everything's Coming Up Daisies for inspiring Nicholas' Touch new look. How perfect is it for our little Ladybug...

Thinking of you....

2010-09-01T11:32:00.002-04:00

Wherever you go and whatever you do
My spirit is here and it stays close to you
i know you can't see me
but know I am safe
As i play with the angels in beauty and grace

A Little boy
A special friend
A little fighter
Right to the end.
Gone from our lives
But not from our hearts
We'll keep you there always
Like we have from the start.

To My Mother

I see you each time you shed a tear,
I catch it and kiss you, I hope that you know that I'm near.
This place is so beautiful, There's so much to see!
I know that someday you'll be here with me.
The angels were singing when I arrived!
Jesus was there with His arms open wide!
The snow and the rain are just my confetti.
I know you'll be coming and I want to be ready.
When you feel the wind, it's me walking by.
I can run and skip now, I can even fly!
When the blossoms and leaves fall into your hair,
It's me planting kisses, yes, I put them there!
The birds are singing to keep you company,
They're especially for you with love from me.
I know that you miss me and feel so alone,
Until the great day when you finally come home
Please remember as the seasons change from one to another,
I'll always love you. You're my friend and my mother.

Dawn Mitchell 1998

"Little Angels"

When God calls little children to dwell with Him above
We mortals sometime question the wisdom of His love.
For no heartache compares with, the death of one small child
Who does so much to make our world, seem wonderful and mild.
Perhaps God tires of calling the aged to his fold.
So He picks a rosebud before it can grow old.
God knows how much we need them, and so He takes but few
To make the land of Heaven more beautiful to view.
Believing this is difficult, still somehow we must try.
The saddest word mankind knows will always be "Goodbye"
So when a little child departs, we who are left behind,
Must realize God loves children
"Angels are hard to find".

"I know I'll see the sun shine bright
upon my baby's face....
When I finally get to heaven,
all my pain will be erased.

We'll soar the skies together,
as angels two by two.
We'll have a sweet reunion,
this mother's dream come true!"

I have not turned my back on you
So there is no need to cry.
I'm watching you from heaven
Just beyond the morning sky.

I've seen you almost fall apart
When you could barely stand.
I asked an angel to comfort you
And watched her take your hand.

She told me you are in more pain
Than I could ever be.
She wiped her eyes and swallowed hard
Then gave your hand to me.

Although you may not feel my touch
Or see me by your side.
I've whispered that I love you
While I wiped each tear you cried.

So please try not to ache for me
We'll meet again one day.
Beyond the dark and stormy sky
A rainbow lights the way.

They Say There is a Reason

They say there is a reason,
They say that time will heal,
But neither time nor reason,
Will change the way I feel,
For no-one knows the heartache,
That lies behind our smiles,
No-one knows how many times,
We have broken down and cried,
We want to tell you something,
So there won't be any doubt,
You're so wonderful to think of,
But so hard to be without.

Support

2010-08-13T15:03:00.003-04:00

My cousin and her family were here for a 3 week visit the beginning of July. They drove in from Colorado and we enjoyed our visit so much. The kids hit it off as though they have been best friends for years!

My cousin hadn't seen Nicholas' garden yet. I was proud to show her and very grateful by her loving response. She sat by Nicholas' Garden on her own for while, really feeling his presence in our family and the strong bond that we share with him. Then she did something that a grieving mother/father often longs for.... she invited her family to sit with us and say a prayer. I can't begin to describe the graciousness, the pride, the love I felt at that moment. Our baby boy was being honoured by people who had never met him. He was being loved and recognized as the beautiful boy that he was. The tears flowed openly, but so did the smiles. I am so very grateful for such wonderful, caring and supportive people in our lives.

A lot of visits

2010-08-13T14:56:00.003-04:00

Dear Nicholas,

I wanted to take a minute to thank you for visiting us so often this summer. You always seem to know when mommy's heart needs a little lift. You fly in... often to your brother and he comes running.... "Mommy, mommy, a ladybug! Nicholas wants to play!" You have been in the garden while the boys pick beans for dinner, you have been sunbathing on the dock when the kids are swimming in the water. The most special visit was on August 7. Exactly 21 months since we said hello and goodbye in the same breath. Kyle proudly brought you to me... thank you.

We are so lucky to have you in our lives.

Love you baby boy.

Our Ladybugs

2010-07-21T13:13:00.002-04:00

Madison "hangin" with her brother...

Miss you, Nicholas

2010-07-20T14:20:00.002-04:00

Hey Everyone,

We are home for a few days and I have been trying to check in on all of you. Please know that I think of so many of you ~ always.

I awoke with a heavy heart today. Two years ago today I experienced, what turned out to be, the beginning of the end with my sweet Nicholas.

Tuesday, July 22, 2008 is a horrible memory etched permanently on my soul. It is presumably the day when my body failed him, failed me, failed us.... I failed to provide the necessary means to help our baby grow.

As irrational as it is I still feel tremendous guilt over this. I suspect, as a mommy, I always will.

My heart hurts today as I remember what could have been ~ what should have been.

Miss you, baby boy.

On Our Way...

2010-06-30T14:56:00.002-04:00

All packed up and ready to go...even sweet Nicholas... how very wrong it is to have to "pack" your son's ashes for a vacation..... sigh. We will all be together.

Talk soon.

Our Summer

2010-06-25T11:04:00.000-04:00

Some of you may remember from last summer that the boys (and now girl) and I head up North to our family cottage for the majority of the summer. Well, it's that time again. We plan to head up next week sometime and make some more wonderful memories.

I am definitely in a different place than where I was this time last year. I feel a lot more like myself (albeit a changed self), I feel clearer and more settled. For the most part, I finally feel at peace. I still have crappy days. I still have moments where I ache for my little boy. But, I feel like I have more moments where I remember him, smile and know that I am a better person for having him in my life.

The flashbacks are still there. When I least expect them and they are terrifying... heart-wrenching... and cruel. It's like a thick fog invading my head and a vice gripping at my heart. The worst part is that I can't control them. They are unpredictable and almost impossible to hide. So I just deal as best I can and "snap" out of it when I can.

I was at the post the other day mailing some Angel Wings to the States, England, Spain.... I didn't have enough postage on one of the packages so the clerk started adding some loose 10 cent stamps. Any idea what the last penny stamp was? Yes, a ladybug...

Nicholas comes to "visit" often. I love it. I love him. I miss him. I know that he is okay.

So anyway, while at the cottage I don't have access to a computer or the internet (ahhhhh...), however, we will be back and forth to home and I will be checking in.

Love to you all.

Lea xx

Face

2010-06-23T17:09:00.002-04:00

Kyle had his end of year BBQ for Nursery School today. One of the mom's was doing some face painting. You can see what Kyle decided to have put on his face.... not spider-man like the rest of his friends.

Need I say more? I love this kid.

Your Garden

2010-06-21T10:27:00.004-04:00

Your Garden

Nicholas,

When we say we love your garden
and we are pleased with how it's grown
please know that we miss you,
and wish to have you home.

Our dream is that your garden
didn't have to exist,
we should be watching you grow,
and healing boo boo's with a kiss.

Instead...
we choose each rock with care
and plant each bloom with love,
we want your space to be perfect,
as you watch from up above.

It's one small thing we do for you
and we remember all the while...
we hope you like your special spot,
I can almost see your smile.

Love you, baby boy
Mommy ~ June 2010

I Love You, Daddy

2010-06-21T09:55:00.003-04:00

Happy (Belated) Father's Day ~ to the man I love ~ to a beautiful, strong daddy.

Daddy's Love

Your daddy loves you oh so much
I see it in his eyes.
Every time we speak of you,
He looks up to the sky.

We talk about you often
And wonder what you’d be
If you were down here with us,
With your family.

Daddy is so strong,
His strength surrounds us all.
We lean on him for comfort,
He doesn’t let us fall.

But daddy hurts so deeply,
He misses you so much.
He feels blessed to have known you
And to have felt your touch.

He’s proud to be your daddy
And to have held your hand in his.
He kissed and held you close that day
Forever you’ll be missed.

We love you buddy… xo xo
Mommy (Leanna) – March 2009